As much as I’d like a visit to Dr. House, as I truly believe him to be the only person who could get to the bottom of what is wrong with me, there is one major reason I would not be eligible to see him — aside from the fact that he is not real and there doesn’t seem to be a real diagnostician specialty.
My problem is only in one area.
If you’re going to see House, it is fine if your problem begins with one main symptom. However, a requirement of remaining his patient is that two or more of the following must happen IN ADDITION to your main cause of complaint:
 – Liver failure
 – Kidney failure
 – Heart failure
 - Other failure, believed to be a result of a Sexually Transmitted Disease
 – Vomiting blood (preferably over the side of the bed)
 – Dark, itchy rash of which there is no relief aside from tearing your own skin off
 – Family member in attendance with something to hide
 – Suspicious turkey sandwich in home refrigerator
and, thanks to Danielle, who pointed out an important one I forgot:
– One of of the above symptoms MUST occur while you are in the MRI while 2 doctors discuss something completely unrelated to your case and then cause them to run in, look at you, and then stare at each other
And of course, the above must occur only once you already under his care.
And while I have possibly have a bit of a medical mystery, I have none of the required additional problems from this list. I will have none of the problems from this list. I don’t even like turkey sandwiches.
The Nutritionist
I am so happy I went to see her. She was very helpful — and specializes in GI problems. When I used to go to my old doctor with concerns about whether I was getting adequate nutrition, he would say “You’re fine, all you need is a multivitamin.” When I went to the nutritionist today, she said “You CANNOT go on eating like this! And you’d need at least 3 multivitamins to even come close to catching up.” So glad I did this. So we are on a little trial and error program. Even though I can’t eat most vegetables, I am going to start with some that might not bother me as much as the others. I will continue to eat one vegetable for 3 days, keep a chart of how I am feeling, and then move on to the next for 3 days, and so on through the list. I am also going to try applesauce (no added sugar) and canned fruit (in its own juice) as well as Mandarin oranges.
She and my doctor prescribed an enzyme that I will take before every meal. She also recommended trying Lactaid before I eat dairy, because even though dairy doesn’t bother me, it might be worth a try.
She also had me speak to the psychologist there. I liked this because she specializes in GI disorders. We talked about how my problems have affected my life and she told me about two programs she does and how she thinks they will be beneficial to me. They sound wonderful, but unfortunately she does not take my insurance. She said that I could see her and then submit a claim to my insurance and they might pay half, but this is something I would have to really think about because I am not in the ideal financial situation right now, working at a big bank and not having much stability at this time.
She did give me the information of the psychologist who created one of the programs she uses — he is with the UNC Center for Functional GI & Motility Disorders — and told me I can check his website for a provider that might take my insurance. I checked. None do. It is true that these problems have taken a life of their own and get in the way of my daily life constantly. I would love to get a better handle on this and manage this all better. She did tell me that writing is a great way to help!
The Baby-Sitters Club
I thought Claudia and Stacey were REALLY cool. I admired their sense of style, particularly Claudia who wore outfits not unlike this:
ballet slippers
one hot pink scrunchy sock over a hot orange one on right foot, reversed order on her left
floral paisley leggins
oversized men’s white dress shirt
high ponytail on left side of head with hot pink and orange scrunchies, to match the socks of course
one large black triangle earring in right ear
small silver stud in left ear
Now girls, tell me this isn’t the coolest outfit you have ever heard about. The thing was, we really did think it was at the time. Although I must admit I wanted to be like Stacey more. I even thought her diabetes was cool. Claudia was dumb. She couldn’t spell a single word. It’s one thing not to be bright in school, not everyone is, but now when I look back on Claudia’s writing and spelling it is clear her problem went way beyond that. She couldn’t spell “how” correctly twice in the same paragraph. I remember laughing when she wrote “Who are you” when she obviously meant “how are you” in a letter to one of the other baby-sitters, but in the same letter she spelled it correctly. She couldn’t handle basic first grade words when she was supposed to be in eighth grade. Not good. Stacey, on the other hand, had REALLY cool handwriting. I also loved Mary Anne’s handwriting, and based my own script on hers.
I also joined the official fan club and still use the stationary they gave me. My roommate thought it was hilarious the first time I put up a note to the mailman on our building’s front door using it.
I also was enthralled with the secret passage in Dawn and Mary Anne’s house. I thought that was insanely cool and on many occassions would tap the walls in my apartment trying to find my own secret passageway. To a barn. In Queens.
Maybe I wasn’t much brighter than Claudia after all.
Which baby sitter did you want to be?
