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Wanna See My Writing Homework?

Hi kids and friends.

Yes, I made a list of things to post about the other day, but today I am going to post about none of those things. That is because I am not motivated to create new content. I am riding this bad blogger streak out as long as I can. Although I will be posting my 10K race recap (race is Sunday!) because I tested out my playlist today and I think I am in love.

I told you all how I signed up for a Humor Writing class at the Gotham Writers Workshop back in September. I took a free one hour course through them in Memoir Writing and loved it. When it came time to sign up for class, however, I had a hard time deciding between Memoir and Humor writing classes. In the end I opted for Humor because I read the instructor’s book, absolutely loved it and hoped to make her my best friend. I also figured that the lessons I learn in Humor would carry over into the memoir sector.

This proved to be true, as the class is modeled on humorous memoirs, such as anything by David Sedaris.  While I do realize in retrospect that Memoir might have been a better option for me based on my needs and the fact that I am hideously awful at constructing clever similes (a key aspect in humor writing), this class has challenged me and forced me to be a better writer. I learned the rules of the funny, and while I don’t plan to write a humorous memoir, I do plan to pepper my more somber future memoir with humor to make it more appealing, relatable, readable and overall better. Since my memoir would certainly be about my illness and possible upcoming surgery — a surgery that is very rare for a 26 year old in otherwise perfect health to get — it would certainly need some moments of funny in there.

I do plan to take the Memoir class at Gotham; just not next semester. After 8 weeks (out of 10) of 3 hour classes taking up my entire Wednesday night, I am ready for a break. I already use one night a week for a GI appointment, so it is hard for me to find time to see friends, work out, blog and relax. I’d like my time back for now, and maybe I’ll sign up for the Memoir class the next time around.

In my Humor class, I had to write two longer pieces that get critiqued by the class as well as shorter one page homework assignments. While I am not comfortable sharing my previous longer piece, I do hope to share my next one that is due next week! I will, however, share with you my most recent homework assignment. The assignment was different than most; usually our assignments are exercises in writing that remind me or writing like David Sedaris. This assignment, on the other hand, was to write a sales pitch for a product I invented. The more absurd the product, the better.

Because I have very few funny ideas of my own (at least none that can be leveraged for this particular course) I turned to my friends. I often turn to my friends for my homework, asking them for examples on funny sounding diseases or any type of simile. This time, my friend Dr. McGriddle (we love IHOP, I used to love Grey’s) came through and helped me with the idea and supporting elements. Thank you, Doctor.

For this particular homework, I volunteered to read it out loud to the class because (a) I was proud of it and (b) it meant I would not be called on to read my in class writing assignment, which tends to be beyond awful. When you read something out loud, the instructor critiques it on the spot. Some critiques I received was that the first paragraph is very strong, but the rest doesn’t fit with it; it is a one note joke and the tone got old very fast; I could have found a better flavor for one of my examples.

Please keep in mind this is very different from the writing I usually to do for this class, which tends to be humorous memoir type stories. Also, I struggle to make the most of the humor writing rules. Being funny is hard work. I have a hardcore newfound respect for these writers. Consider that next time you pick up Augusten Burroughs.

Behold, my writing class homework. My sales pitch.

Twinkie No-Crush

Misfortune can happen to anyone. Loved ones pass away, high school students drink and drive, Duane Reade sells out of the only brand of vaginal itch cream that really gets the job done. You can’t always control what happens to you. But now, there is one thing you can control: Twinkies.

You know how it is; you grab your Twinkies on your way out the door and shove them in your purse, back pocket or suitcase. After lunch, you pull your Twinkie out only to find that it is as smushed as the face of your neighbor’s whiny new pug.

A perfectly good Twinkie – a food with a shelf life of 30 years, a food that can survive a nuclear attack – ruined! Don’t you just hate when that happens?

Luckily for you, I’ve got the solution to your very problem: The Twinkie No-Crush! The Twinkie No-Crush is a crushproof container made from grade A, organic, shatter proof glass and fits perfectly around a Twinkie of any flavor – original, banana crème, even deep fried for special occasions.

The Twinkie No-Crush is easy to use and will keep your Twinkie safe. Once you securely close your Twinkie in the Twinkie No-Crush airtight glass container, a microscopic deadbolt snaps into place, activating a state of the art motion stabilizer that prevents your Twinkie from deflection and deviation. The built in refrigerative dehumidifier will protect your Twinkie from deadly toxins, mold and clothes moths.

And there’s more! The Twinkie No-Crush will extend the life of your Twinkie from 30 years to a whopping 120 years! Just think – you can save a Twinkie today and your great, great, great, GREAT grandchild can eat the very same Twinkie. How spectacular!

Order today and we’ll throw in the LoJack Security System for Stolen Twinkie Recovery, normally an $89.99 Twinkie No-Crush upgrade, absolutely free! This LoJack upgrade includes Police Tracking Computers in law enforcement vehicles, helicopters and fixed-wing aircraft for optimal tracking and recovery of stolen twinkies. You don’t want to miss out on this essential addition to your Twinkie No-Crush!

Don’t be fooled by imposters! Not only is the Twinkie No-Crush the only FDA approved Twinkie enclosure, it is also the only one made of glass. You don’t want one of those light yet ridiculous plastic containers – they’re bad for the environment. P.U.! Do something good for mother Earth; do something good for yourself; do something good for your Twinkies. For just 15 easy payments of $21.99, the Twinkie No-Crush can be yours. The price might seem steep to you now, but just consider the hundreds – even thousands – of dollars you’ll be saving on crushed, stolen or stale Twinkies. Don’t delay; order your Twinkie No-Crush today!

Have you ever taken a class for fun? What did you think of it? And, what do you think of my homework?

I Love Jury Duty/Gearing up for Humor Writing/Pancake Searchers

For some reason, the most popular search engine search term people are using to get to my blog lately is pancakes. How and why! The most popular used to be a neck on neck race between Chobani yogurt and my name, but somewhere along the way pancakes blew both out of the water. How funny!

Here is a treat for all you pancake searchers:

Pancake Stack

Mmmmmmm.

So today was my second and FINAL day of jury duty. I have to say, I absolutely loved it.

Things I loved about jury duty:

  • Not getting my name called for Day #1’s case
  • Getting dismissed at noon on Day #1 and having the rest of the gorgeous summery day free to nap
  • Not having to arrive until 10:00 am on Day #2
  • Being able to get up at a normal time to run outside instead of insanely early dark time
  • Not getting my name called for Day #2’s case (33 names were called!)
  • Having more time to read The Omnivore’s Dilemma
  • Getting dismissed at 11:45 am on Say #2 and having the rest of the gorgeous summery day free to stop at Bloomingdale’s and get 40 Carrots frozen yogurt for the first and last time this summer (used to have it all the time last year), buy new shoes at a sale price, pick up my mail and some fall clothing, and pick up my Continental Airlines 5th Avenue Mile bib and chip
  • Knowing I can’t be called for jury duty again in NY state for another 6 years (As my friend Melanie pointed out, I’ll be in my 30s – eek!)
  • Drinking wine at 4:30 pm on a Thursday
  • Having more time to blog and rest
  • Getting 2 free days off work!

What can I say? I am proud to have completed my civic responsibility and served in the American justice system!

I am getting more and more nervous and excited about my upcoming Humor Writing class. Every now and then I feel a pang that I’m not taking the Memoir Writing class, because most of the stories I have to tell aren’t the funny kind, but then I think about how funny it will be to spend my Wednesdays in an environment of funny and to learn from Sara Barron, author of The Porn (you need to read her book to understand) and challenge myself. They also recommend devoting about 5 hours a week to the assignments which will take away from blogging time — but hopefully I can share my work as blog entries and kill two birds with one stone. I just hope I can think of funny things. And I can always take the 1 day intensive Memoir Class or take the 10 week next semester. Class starts Wednesday!

I am excited (but sad about not being able to go see Regina Spektor on Oct 14 at Radio City — please let me know if you can buy my tickets from me). I have been struggling lately because I know I need to make some major life changes but being that I don’t know exactly what I want — just that I want something different than what I am doing now — I think Humor Writing class is a great place to start. It is new. It is funny. It is sure to be the most fun way to spend 3 hours a week for 10 weeks. And some people tell me my blog is funny, although I don’t see it myself. So I’d like to cultivate that a little more!

Speaking of funny, I found my funny book! I mentioned in a previous post that I used to carry around a little notebook with an Oscar Wilde quote on the front. I tried to write down all the funny things people around me said. It didn’t last long, but maybe I will start it up again. I also thought of some very funny ideas while running this morning! However, I have no recollection at all as to what they were. Boo!

By the way, another great run this morning. 2.2 miles, very slow pace (just where my body should be right now) and I am excited to push myself on Saturday’s 1 mile race. The reason running used to be hard for me (other than the fact that I am new to it) is that I was always pushing myself to go faster than my body wants. Now I push myself to go slow and I have been enjoying myself much more. For Saturday’s race, I set a VERY ambitious goal for myself — 8:50 min — but who knows, maybe I’ll reach it. On my own runs I’ve been trying to slow to around 11 min/miles so that I can feel good for an extended period of time. But for a 1 miler? Who cares how I feel‽ I am giving it all I have. And yes, I just used an interrobang.

So back to my funny book. On the front there is an Oscar Wilde quote that I love:

Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.

Love it. Except for the fact that I can’t remember most things, which is why I got it in the first place. My biggest regret in my life thus far is that I didn’t keep a journal, especially when I was working on a teen tour. When I have kids I am going to strongly encourage them to keep a journal. Memories are so important.

Here’s one example from the book. I used to work in the English Department at Baruch College while I was pursuing my masters degree there in Corporate Communication. I had a little crush on one of the professors, and this was our encounter one day (FYI his codename was Sasha)

Sasha: Where are the cookies?
Me: I ate them.
Sasha: ALL of them?!

And yes, I had eaten all of them. I will never forget the look of shock on Sasha’s face — although I would have forgotten if I didn’t write this down. It was embarrassing yet funny. And it portrays my love of cookies.

There is more in here (not much more) that is pretty funny, although most of them are “you had to be there” types. What I never wrote down but reallyyyyy wish I had was all the encounters and stories I have about someone very stupid who I know well. I was trying to search old google chat conversations with people to see if I vented on there about this person, but so far I have not found success. Damn AIM and other programs that do not forever save my conversations in easily searchable format for eternity! It is google chat ONLY from now on.

I also brought back a book I had sitting in my apartment called Comedy Writing Secrets and one called Jewish Humor: What the Best Jewish Jokes Say About the Jews, along with two David Sedaris books I have not yet read (but I LOVED the ones I did read). For research. And my friend Phoebe lent me her copy of Waiter Rant: Thanks for the tip – Confessions of a Cynical Waiter (based on this website).

So much to read and no time to read it! If only I had more jury duty . . .

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