“Stupid person to enter the english department” winner of October 25, 2005, possibly of all-time
I used to work in the English Department at Baruch College.
Boy: Can you tell me my english teacher’s office hours?
Me: We don’t have their hours, you have to ask them yourself.
Boy: Can you tell me what days she’s in?
Me: She’s in on the days you have class.
Boy: I don’t know what days I have class.
Me: You don’t know what days you have class?
Boy: Yeah, I haven’t been there in about 2 months
Me: You were probably dropped from the class
Boy: Yeah that’s why I need to speak to the teacher
Me: How am I supposed to tell you who your teacher is if you don’t know her name or what days she teaches? Check on eSims.
Boy: Oh, ok. Bye.
Ass in face
No, that is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
Yesterday morning, on the kind of R train that looks like an E… sitting on an edge seat, next to the little railing… a tour group gets on, an older woman with a GIGANTIC ass decides to SIT DOWN on the seat railing next to me.
Her entire butt SMUSHED INTO MY FACE.
I had to strain my neck to get my head as far from her ass as possible. I couldn’t breathe — I was experiencing claustrophobia.
I need to ask: WHO SITS ON THOSE? NOT A SEAT! And really, the rudest thing i have ever seen! She put her entire ass right in my face! Obviously she saw me sitting there — she just didn’t care.
Question to all: Have you ever seen anyone do this before? Use the railing that is there to prevent people from sliding off the seat as a CHAIR?
Inflatable punching bag, anyone?
Something else that annoys me in the subway. You are at the top of the stairs and people are coming up the escalator/stairs next to you, meaning they just exited the train that you hope to enter. But you are at the TOP of the stairs. These people are nearing the TOP of the escalator. You start running, risking sweat and breathlessness and fatigue. WHY??
So you can try to get on the same train these people got off. Here’s some news for you: You’re not gonna make it! Why bother? Why exert all your energy and dart down the stairs at high speed to make a train whose doors definitely already closed! If the people are nearing the top of the escalator, you missed your chance.
And don’t you know that trains come every few minutes, more often during rush hour which is when I specifically witness this phenomenon? After a guy wearing a do-rag (must have been extra sweaty under there!) ran as fast as his little legs could take him down the stairs, I couldn’t help but notice he (obviously) missed the train. He seemed annoyed. About 4 seconds later another train pulled into the station. I walked down the stairs at a normal speed, knowing there was no way I would make that first train. We both got on the same train; him tired and worn out, me just fine. Was it worth it? To save 4 seconds of his time?
Must have been a very important 4 seconds that do-rag man can never get back.
Stand on the right!
A friend of mine that I’ll call “Greg” told me about an experience he had on an escalator. I became so outraged by this information, I had to share:
“At work, I was taking the escalator down to the cafeteria and two ladies were standing side by side. So I asked one of them very nicely to let me pass (’Excuse me, can i pass?’). She doesn’t step to the right, but instead moves slightly to the left so I can push my way in between. As I’m walking away, she says, ‘You know, you could always take the stairs. That is an option’. I looked back, shocked that my request elicited such a venomous response. I turned around and almost said ‘If anyone need to take the stairs it would be you and your friend . . . you can use the exercise,’ but instead I said “Thanks for the advice.’ Unreal!”
My comments: WTF??!! Of course Greg can take the stairs, but the part of the beauty of the escalator is that it allows you to get from one place to another quickly! And as most everyone knows, the general rule of thumb on escalators is “stand on the right.” In London they even have signs! There is no rule saying “Escalators for standing only.” That is ridiculous. The women are in the wrong here for not knowing the rule. And for being bitches.
How to Walk in The City 102
I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile now, and Randy recently tackled the same topic, so I figured I might as well get my anger out.
1. To walk, place one foot in front of the other. Repeat with opposite foot. Continue with this pattern until you reach your desired destination. Remember, KEEP MOVING. Just walk! Why can’t you walk?
2. If you need to stop in the middle of the sidewalk, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. The edge of the sidewalk closest to buildings is a good spot, as is near a tree on the street side. Do not, I repeat, do not simply cease moving mid-sidewalk.
3. When walking under a scaffold, close your umbrella. There is no need for others to have to duck around you and try not to get hit. The rain will not touch you with a protective shield above your head.
4. When you are carrying a closed, very large umbrella, do not hold it horizontally and swing your arm back and forth as you walk. Your umbrella will kill someone. Stop being so fucking inconsiderate. There is no need to swing. I promise.
5. If I am walking straight and you are diagnally behind me and you decide you need to get to the other side of me to get wherever you are going, do not walk into me. Why not just turn left or right behind me or in front of me? Why walk INTO me?!
5a. If you are coming at me from a 90 degree angle, again, no need to walk INTO me. No need at all.
6. If you are walking with your friend, don’t leave a space between you that no one can fit through when there is no room to pass on either side. Give me a chance to get past! Especially when you and your friends decide to walk extra slow.
7. If you are a slow walker, walk on the side so those who don’t have all the time in the world can get past you.
8. When the walking light is blinking, DO NOT STOP as soon as you get to the crosswalk. I am walking right behind you and I want to make the light! Again, it must be nice to have so much free time and nowhere to be, but you must be considerate of those who aren’t as fortunate.
9. The subway escalator series:
- If you want to stand, STAND ON THE RIGHT. The left is for people who walk.
- If you are running down the escalator (on the left side) because a train is at the bottom, do not suddenly stop when you realize it isn’t your train. I’m running right behind you, and it might be my train, inconsiderate douchebag.
- When you walk toward the escalator and reach the entrance, it is not the time to stop, open your bag, look for whatever it is you are looking for, put away your metro card, etc. I am behind you and am trying to get on the escalator. I do not want to miss a train because you chose the worst place ever to stop.
10. When you swipe your MetroCard and get a message on the screen that you don’t have enough money on your card (Insufficient Funds), do not keep swiping. Do you think the money will suddenly appear on your card if you swipe repeatedly and hold up everyone waiting behind you? No, you idiot. The message means you have to put money on your card! STOP SWIPING.
11. After you swipe your card and the message reads “GO”, go! Now you hesitated because you’re a tourist, you lost the trip you paid for, and you are too stupid to realize it. You try to push through too late and you can’t get past. You don’t understand why and you start swiping again repeatedly, once again holding up the line. What the fuck do you think “go” means you jackass??
12. When you are with a very large group of friends on the sidewalk and I am trying to get by, move out of the way. Very simple concept. You and your group are creating a swarm in the middle of the sidewalk and there is no way for me to get past. Clear a path.
13. Do not walk on the back of my shoe.
14. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, DON’T WALK INTO ME.
15. Stop swerving. You’re not a drunk driver. I was walking straight and now you’re blocking my way.
16. WALK!!!!!
That concludes How to Walk in the City 102. I know I didn’t cover it all, and I will have much more to teach you in How to Walk in the City 103.
Movies that make me crave pizza
Monday May 19th 2008, 10:27 am
Filed under:
FoodWhenever I see characters on TV shows eating Chinese food from cartons using chopsticks, I feel an intense craving for some Chinese food myself.
It also works with pizza. The pizza scenes in the following movies make me crave pizza big time:
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
When the pizza box falls to the ground and looks oh so moist, I feel a strong desire for pizza
2. Home Alone
How can you not feel a super strong need for pizza when 12 boxes arrive at the McCallister home and all the kids DEVOUR delicious looking pies. Who cares that there’s no plain left for Kevin, I want any pizza I can get!
3. Teenage Mutant Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
‘Nuff said.
Put down the duckie if you wanna play the saxaphone
Tuesday May 13th 2008, 8:25 am
Filed under:
StupidityI just realized I had been combining Forever stamps with 1 cent stamps since the last time the stamp price went up.
Sometimes I am not that bright.
And the D-Sam award goes to…
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/050108dnmetbillion.b623795f.html
Dumbest guy ever!
My comments:
1. $360 BILLION? Really?? You want to try and cash a check for more money than the United States itself has as a whole. Okay. (exaggeration to prove point)
2. Do you even realize how much money a billion actually is? Much less 360 of them? Why not try cashing fake checks at, let’s say, $1,000 and working our way up from there? Oh, because $360,000,000,000 is exactly what one needs to start up a music company. I forgot.
3. “…and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.”
Didn’t she now?
4. “Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana.”
Exactly what one takes along when trying to cash a multi-billion dollar check. It’s the perfect crime!
5. $360,000,000,000!!!!!
How to tell if my neighbors are raptors
Sorry I’ve been MIA for a really, really long time. Sorry that the last thing I left for you was a picture of ducks. Don’t judge me.
In the meantime, check out www.MarcZawel.com for an 80 day travel adventure by the best writer I personally know — and now best photographer as well!
And for those who are a bit more lude, might I suggest the Ranman’s new, yet consistently updated blag? http://ranmon.wordpress.com/
Thx,
dm
(trying out the initial thing. i think it makes me seem cooler)
Not quite right (thanks, Peter!)
Friday February 22nd 2008, 9:48 am
Filed under:
FunnyAs far as we know, bears in french isn’t ducks. . .
