Simba just said the word “doctor” 4 times in a one minute phone call. More than one person have suggested that might have a form of tourette’s. It really does seem he cannot control his sounds. But, that doesn’t change the fact he annoys the hell out of me. I do plan on bringing in my noice canceling headphones on Monday. Hopefully I remember. I forgot them today.

Enough about him. A little about me. For the last year and a half, I have been having mostly unexplained tummy problems. All the foods I used to love — salad, veggies, oatmeal, fruits, wheat bread, brown rice — have had to vanish from my diet because my stomach just can’t tolerate them. It has been a very hard time for me. I am always in some form of pain or discomfort, I am tempted by foods I can’t eat and sometimes eat them anyway and regret it after. Going to the gym after work has become impossible because once there is food in my belly I am rendered useless, so I am forced to go in the mornings. This reduces the amount of time I can spend in the gym since I don’t want to wake up insanely early but have to be out of there at a certain time to get ready. I have gained 10 pounds since this started, but it all happened at once last year and has remained steady since then. A few times, I have had to leave work during the day to buy new clothes because what fit me in the morning when I  got dressed no longer fit me after I ate lunch.

I have seen quite a few doctors about this. I am finally on track to finding out the exact problem. For those of you with thoughts or suggestions, I do want to mention that I have had MANY tests done, including 2 CT scans, 2 colonoscopies, a CCK HIDA scan, an Upper GI Series w/Small Bowel Follow Through, a Gastric Emptying Study, an endoscopy and an anorectal manometry.  Among the things I DON’T have are Celiac, pelvic floor dysfunction, bacterial overgrowth, a gallbladder problem and other things that I don’t even remember. I am about to go for another test next week that should pinpoint what a few doctors believe is the problem - my small intestine. Once that is hopefully confirmed, we can try and figure out what to do to treat this and HOPEFULLY I will begin to get better… I am hopeful but I don’t expect any miracles. 

Since things have gotten worse the last few months though, I have been really frustrated and sick of this and honestly, I can’t imagine living my entire life suffering like this. I just don’t see how that would be possible. I’ve been more upset about it lately and crying more often. I’m not depressed, I am just fed up. Especially with the holidays and all the food that’s been around and the way my body just can’t handle it. I just want to go back to being normal again.

And this has taken a MAJOR toll on my social life. I haven’t been able to go out and have fun with my friends. Just the idea of getting dressed and squeezing into clothes is enough to send me running for my pajamas and cozy bed. Eating makes me so lethargic and listless so when I do attempt going out, I am dead tired and just need to go home early to bed. Also, I can’t really drink anymore because of this. Meals at restaurants are impossible as well, so I just haven’t been a great friend lately.

So there’s my condensed story. There is much more to it but I won’t get into it here or now. But there is so much food at work these days!

Some of the treats at work this week:

• Brownies
• Cookies
• Baklava
• Fudge!
• Lindts (I love the hazelnut ones)
• Leonidas chocolates (crack)
• Rugelach

And more. And today there is cuban food - odd, I know, but true! Which means I will have to battle my frenemy, FLAN. I will lose. I always lose.  I did work out yesterday after work for an hour, in pain, to cancel out the brownie I had. I also worked out in the morning before work for 40 minutes, so it was my second one of the day. But let me tell you, exercising with food in me is torture. And really, the problem isn’t the calories I consumed — it’s the actual food that is just… there, in me.

Another issue I have had since all my medical problems started is trying to stay healthy. I have always cared about making healthy choices. I loved oatmeal for breakfast with fruit in it, salad for lunch with lots of yummy ingredients, lots of whole grains and nuts and high fiber snacks. Now, all those foods kill my stomach - especially lettuce and apples. If I eat a few pieces of lettuce, I will be immensely bloated for 2 days. Can’t close any pants, not even the zipper. Not exaggerating. So I eat what I know I can, and then it leaves me hungry. So when the snacks are out here, I take them. I can’t even think enough to stop myself. Sigh.

Okay, this was my most personal blog entry to date. Like I said, I plan to write more, and there are only so many witty observations I can make. So I will be incorporating my life into this more.

Whenever I see characters on TV shows eating Chinese food from cartons using chopsticks, I feel an intense craving for some Chinese food myself.

It also works with pizza. The pizza scenes in the following movies make me crave pizza big time:

1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
When the pizza box falls to the ground and looks oh so moist, I feel a strong desire for pizza

2. Home Alone
How can you not feel a super strong need for pizza when 12 boxes arrive at the McCallister home and all the kids DEVOUR delicious looking pies. Who cares that there’s no plain left for Kevin, I want any pizza I can get!

3. Teenage Mutant Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
‘Nuff said.

It’s true. I did. And I’m waiting to find out how close I’ve come to succeeding.

Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal in Regular Flavor has always been a little hard to find. My Food Emporium doesn’t carry it and neither do most of the stores around me. I have seen it occasionally at a Gristedes and other places, but it is generally not where I need it to be.

One place that always had the oatmeal, however, is Key Food across the street from my mom’s apartment. That was ironic since Key Food usually has NOTHING. So when I went home awhile ago I got all 6 boxes from the shelf. I have been home a few times since, but I haven’t bothered to get more since I had enough for the time being and figured I could always get more.

I was wrong.

When my friend Melissa ran out of her Smart Balance, she tried to buy some more. After visiting 5 grocery stores and calling 6 more, she had yet to find a single one with the oatmeal. Some of them did carry Smart Balance, but the flavored versions. Melissa told me she thinks the oatmeal we love is gone forever.

I refused to believe that. Not only does Key Food by my mom ALWAYS have it, but I’ve seen the oatmeal in other stores as well, including Gristedes. I told her there is no way, and she should call my Key Food. She called — and what they told her was shocking.

All Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal has been discontinued.

There is no more oatmeal! If I had known I would have been stocking up at every store that I’ve seen it at, including getting every box Key Food had every time I was home. Regular as well as variety pack, since those have 2 bags of regular flavor in each box.

You don’t understand. As I am writing this, I can tell you don’t. You have no idea why I am making such a big deal out of oatmeal. Let me explain to you: Smart Balance oatmeal is my crack.

Every morning, I experience what Dinosaur Comics refers to as “breakfast pleasure.” As I eat my Smart Balance oatmeal (and I have tried MANY other brands, and none even come close to doing this for me), all I can think about is just how DELICIOUS it is. Every bite is perfection. The texture and the taste and everything about this oatmeal is just heaven. As I get to the end of the oatmeal, I scrape the edges of my styrofoam cup (that’s what we have here, so it’s what I use) with my spoon to get every last morsel. My mind is literally a series of “mmmmmmmms” while I am eating this. I get really sad when I finish eating the oatmeal, because I wish it would go on forever.

This might seem sick to you. Well, kids, get ready for sicker: as I am eating it, so is Melissa and we are IMing each other back and forth about how amazing Smart Balance oatmeal is. Every single day. We have had lengthy in-depth conversations about the superiority of Smart Balance oatmeal to other brands, and we both feel extreme breakfast pleasure as we eat it. Our only wish is that each packet had even more oatmeal in it so we can extend our breakfast pleasure longer each day.

Smart Balance oatmeal is the one thing I look forward to every single day. When I go to sleep at night, I am excited to know it will be there for me the next morning. All morning before I get to work, I am excited and eager to start eating it!

So when we found out Smart Balance oatmeal is gone, we did what any of you would do. We searched the internet. We found one website that has our beloved product, and promptly ordered 20 boxes each. That is how I spent $90 on oatmeal.

But it wasn’t over yet. I needed to know exactly how many boxes of oatmeal this website has left. Melissa and I would most likely buy them all (once you spend $90, what’s a little — or a lot — more?). I called the website and spoke to someone. They weren’t aware that the oatmeal had been discontinued. They told me they would call me back when they knew how much they can get for us.

Later that day, all Smart Balance oatmeal was removed from Kosher.com.

And of course, I sent an email to Smart Balance about this decision. Melissa emailed them a few days before me, and they responded with outdated coupons — they even say “buy our new oatmeal!”

I called Kosher.com again to see about their progress. They confirmed that the oatmeal was indeed discontinued and they were in the process of finding out how much of my order they could fill. They told me to call on Friday (Feb 8th) to check in. I will do so.

I went to Gristedes by my office, and there was ONE box of the variety pack left. I eagerly bought it, removed the regular flavor, and gave the rest to my coworker Phoebe — She is the best!!!

I plan to stop in all grocery stores I go by to check for more remnants of my happiness…

I called Smart Balance today to ask about their decision to pull the most delicious oatmeal of all time. The woman I spoke to said it was a business decision to no longer make cereal. When I asked her if it was possible to purchase any remaining boxes, she said no.

Of course, with the knowledge that we will soon be permanently without our main source of happiness and our only source of breakfast pleasure, Melissa and I set out on a search to find a new oatmeal that comes as close as possible to our beloved. So far we have both been extremely disappointed with what we’ve tried, but we plan to look far and wide. A big issue is that other brands who have Smart Balance’s health benefits — namely flax and omega 3 — all have added sugar. Why a product that tries to be healthy would ruin it with adding sugar is beyond me. Our only requirement when purchasing replacement options is that it have 0g of sugar — or if it were to have sugar, to only come from natural sources (ie, fruit). Please feel free to provide any suggestions.

So kids, if you happen to see my oatmeal in a grocery store, it is most likely one of the last boxes they have left. Please pick it up and give it to me. I will thank you greatly. I will do something amazing for you. I promise.

And if you came across this blog in a search for Smart Balance oatmeal because you too were curious as to where it suddenly went, please comment and tell me! For some extremely strange reason, Smart Balance oatmeal has practically NO presence on the internet! So hopefully this blog will show up in your searches and shed some light on the situation — and let you know you’re not alone!

____________________________________________

UPDATE: Kosher.com was unable to locate any boxes of Smart Balance Oatmeal in Regular flavor. They do have variety packs (which I decided against). I searched a few grocery stores to find only variety and maple & brown sugar. So again, if you find any regular boxes, please get them for me!! Melissa’s mom just found 3 boxes for her. There might be more out there.

____________________________________________

FURTHER UPDATE: After conducting taste tests of about 8 brands of oatmeal between Melissa and myself, I have determined that Nature’s Path Organic is by far the best replacement for Smart Balance. From now on, Nature’s Path Organic Oatmeal is my work breakfast of choice. Nature’s Path is delicious! AND there is much more oatmeal in the packet, so it is more filling. Don’t be scared by the calorie count, it’s just because there is simply more oatmeal to eat!

Brands we have tried that did not make the cut:
Arrowhead Mills
Quaker
Quaker Organic
Uncle Sam’s
Country Choice Organic
McCann’s Irish Oatmeal
Erewhon (not that bad, but not as good as Nature’s Path)
Private Selection Organic (thanks, Diane!)

Last month, I wrote about that age old dilemma: Eat free pancakes or vote in the presidential primaries.

As you can see, IHOP has given up on trying to convince 15 state governors to change their primary date from February 5th.  National Pancake Day director Patrick Lenow had to go with Plan B: ”If the governors deny our request to move their primary dates, IHOP will be forced to activate Plan B to ensure its celebration of National Pancake Day continues.”

And thankfully for all of us, the celebration continues! See you on Feb 12th!

Actually, I won’t see anyone on Feb 12th . . . at least, not at IHOP. Although IHOP does rule, I do have a job, you know. And living in a largely IHOP-free county, it’s just not feasible. But you go! Eat some pancakes for me. And provide me a full report with all the delicious details. Mmmmmmm . . .

I was looking for instances of this blog in a Google search of “IHOP RULES” when I came across this gem of an article:

http://www.hotelstravel.com/news/20071206-001.html

That’s right, kids — IHOP is political!

The hilarity of the article can be best surmised by this AIM conversation between Mallory and myself:

Mallories4
do they think that people just sit and eat pancakes all day???

Dori
and will have to choose between pancakes and voting!

Mallories4
i like to sit inside the voting booth for at least 5 hours to make sure i make the right choice
and then i fast
for the rest of the day
just to make sure my vote sticks
it truly is a political/pancake conundrum

Dori
IHOP is doing what they have to do
so people dont wander aimlessly on national pancake/voting day
between IHOP and the nearest voting booth
unable to decide
or cope with the pressure

Mallories4
oooh the solution:
VOTING IN IHOP
same place
right in the booth
you draw a curtain around you
vote
get some pancakes

Dori
OR bringing free pancakes to the booths as an incentive for voting!

Mallories4
haha that’s a good idea too
or do both
that way, you catch both crowds
they don’t get a choice
the best part is they are not concerned with low pancake turnout…they think that pancakes will keep people from voting somehow
seriously, what these higher-ups in the government thinking when they get these letters

————————————————————

And there you have it. So when election/national pancake day comes around this February, I implore you to make your decision wisely. But don’t forget, this is your CHOICE. Don’t let the gravitating draw of the voting booth pull you away from FREE PANCAKES — as tempting as that booth might be.

I find it absolutely fascinating to look at the stats of this blag and see what people are typing into search engines that lead them right here.

Of course a bunch of you google “Dori Manela” — which makes me wonder who googles me and why! I wish I knew! Some google “Dori Manela blog” — aww you guys are looking for this! One googled “Baruch college sucks” (and found my blog, love it) and another, “My roomate Dori” (roommate spelled like that) Who’s roommate is Dori and why are you googling that phrase — what did you expect to find?

Anyway, I wanted to touch on a VERY ALARMING SEARCH that led to me. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I absolutely, positively adore IHOP. I have always preferred breakfast foods to all others, and IHOP is just delicious. They have so many types of pancakes that are all delicious and lots of yummy syrup flavors! Plus, everything you order comes WITH pancakes — so you never have to choose between an omelette or pancakes, because you get both!

Anyway, I was very hurt to find that some asshole found my blog by typing in the search phrase “IHOP sucks.” Yeah, yeah, I know that exact phrase DOES appear in this blog (quoting someone else who had said it) — but I am the #8 search result for “IHOP sucks”! Nooooo!! I should be #1 for “IHOP RULES” and “IHOP IS THE BEST EVER.” So next time someone searches “IHOP sucks” I hope they see this entry and see that I LOVE IHOP. I tend not to get along well with people who don’t like IHOP. In fact, I can think of a couple of people who’s entire friendship with me is based solely on a shared love of IHOP. It brings people together.

Anyway, to keep this list going. Not gonna go through them all, just a couple of my favorites. One person searched “why the us is better than england” and got me. And 2 of my most favorite people I’ve never met and never will meet found me by googling “xkcds” — YES!!! I am #2 in xkcds! Randall Munroe, if you are reading this. . .please love me.

I’d like to end this entry by trying to bring up my result in “IHOP rules” — which I will officially work into every entry I write going forward. So…

IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES! IHOP RULES!

Sometimes when I’m at a restaurant and I just don’t want to keep picking at the food that’s left, I will pour ketchup all over it. Being that I am disgusted by ketchup, this method is successful in preventing me from eating what is slathered in it.

I decided that the ketchup trick would be a great way to control my tendency to overeat when there is free delicious treats at work. I thought it would be simple — I just keep a bottle of ketchup at work, and when I take all the great food to my desk I will immediately pour the ketchup onto the food, causing it to become inedible.

Great idea, in theory. Too bad I never did remember to buy ketchup.

Side note: Due to the lack of ketchup available at my desk, here is what I ate so far today (not counting the breakfast I ate before this free food became available to me):     

So those of you who knew me back in the day — or simply had a conversation with me where this came up (as it seems to an an unusually high amount of instances) — know that I was a Spelling Bee champion. In 8th grade, I won my school spelling bee. I went on to participate in the District 25 (holla!) championship, which I also won. I wish I remembered the word. . .I remember spelling it and thinking I had it wrong, but what was it… Hmmm. Anyway, I then went to the New York City Spelling Bee Championship — and my entire 8th grade class (plus my 2 best friends who weren’t in my class, and got slack for it) got to come be in the audience! I received a shiny plaque and an XXL gleaming blue jacket with gold trim, and across the back in gold it reads: Daily News Spelling Bee Champ.

So to bring this story to present day, a few weeks ago I am in someone’s office to work on my company’s Employee Giving Campaign events. One of our events is a Spelling Bee. The guy whose office it was begins to brag about how one of his employees (who was sitting in the office with me) was the Bonham Elementary School in Texas spelling bee champion. As he is gloating, I felt my pride sinking away. In an effort to reclaim my rightful champion role, I exclaim, “I WAS MY SCHOOL AND DISTRICT CHAMPION, AND I WENT TO THE CITY CHAMPIONSHIP!”

Uhhh yeah. Bad move. They then forced me to participate in the work spelling bee against my will. But at least I had my pride. I worked very hard to prepare for the bee. No, I didn’t study. I didn’t review words. What I did was actual work for the campaign. I sat on the floor of my cube and cut ribbon (which I bought myself) and made numbers for the contestants to wear around their necks. I wrote and put together the look of emails and website pages to promote the event. I even took motion sickness pills and elevatored it to about 100 floors to post fliers. Those fliers turned my left boob purple on my favorite work shirt ever. Oh, how I suffered for the Bee.Cut to today - Spelling Bee day! Keep in mind that I do not want to win. I hate being in front of people, I have bad anxiety, I just don’t want to do it.  So my first word is “words.” I correctly spelled it. In the end after a few rounds I got eliminated, more because of the nerves of being up there than not knowing the word, since it was a word I knew and have even used (or maybe just thought about) once. And although I did not win a trophy, I still got a trophy. We were planning on having a Spelling Bee in our Hopewell, NJ office, but only one person there wanted to participate. So we invited him here. And he won. And he left us with two Hopewell trophies. One of which I have in my posession. So if anyone asks, I was second place in the Hopewell Spelling Bee 2007.Also, I’m fat. There was lunch provided and a BAKE SALE there. Someone made the best pound cake ever. I now want to die.And in case you were wondering, the other spelling champion got eliminated before I did! Also, in case you were wondering, she is first place in the Hopewell Spelling Bee 2007. So what’s the lesson here? Just because you can spell in 8th grade does not mean you can spell once MS Word and spell check come out.