Starring Bethenny Frankel as Bethenny Franked and Bethany Frankell

On Friday, Missy and I went over to Melanie’s apartment to do something we had planned for months: Watch our beloved Bethenny Frankel in a 1994 movie she starred in. We had read on the interweb that Bethenny plays a topless serial killer. There was no doubt in our minds; we needed to see this movie.

Some background information: In August, 2007, I went on a birthright trip to Israel. For those of you not familiar with this program, it is a free 10-day trip to Israel for people age 18-26. The requirement? You must have at least one Jewish parent, and you cannot have participated in an organized trip to Israel already. Two friends and I signed up to go together and after being on a wait list (we might have been a little late in our planning efforts) got on a trip that August.

When you go away with two friends and the rooms are two to a room, someone is going to be left out. I tend to be a bit of a loner, so I was happy to venture out on my own. As a result, Melanie and I roomed together a few times. We spent a lot of time together during activities and even rode a camel together:

For some strange reason I cannot fathom, Melanie wore a top hat.

I didn’t talk to Missy throughout most of the trip, but for some reason we took a picture together during our night out at the club. I didn’t even know who it was with me in this picture until my friend told me it was Missy!

Looks like we are having a lot of fun! We still didn’t really talk though. We had nothing against each other; we even ate our meals at the same tables! But for some reason, we never really had a conversation. Towards the end of the trip, we randomly sat together for a feast in a Beduoin tent:

And then by chance we somehow we ended up hiking Masada together! The two of us stayed together the entire time. That was the first time we really talked.

This is Missy and I with our backs to the camera, taking a picture at the top of Masada. I’m the one with the backpack.

At the bottom of Masada with Melanie:

On the plane ride back, once I woke up from my 6 hours of being completely passed out, we all sat together and chatted and laughed and I really felt like I had made some friends.

After we got back from the trip — and I don’t even know how this happened — Missy, Melanie and I started going out religiously. I believe that Melanie and I talked online and she gave me Missy’s screen name. Then Missy and I began talking online all the time while I was at my old job. On a Friday night — the night of my worst day at work ever (more on that another time!) the three of us met at Melanie’s apartment for a night out.

The following week, I quit my job. I had a glorious couple of weeks off before my next job began. During that time, Missy and I went out for drinks almost every night! We got extremely close at that point. On weekends, the three of us would often meet at Melanie’s apartment before going out. We always had the most outrageously fun nights out together. I was thrilled to finally have what I had wanted — a group of girlfriends in the city.

To backtrack a bit, the infection that caused my GI problems started in the airport before we left for Israel. I was actually quite sick my first few days there, but recovered. However, my permanent problems also slowly began to show themselves at this point. Throughout the following months, my illness progressed. While I had a fantastic time going out with my new friends, I was aware that my body was not the same. I remember one night in the shower looking at my stomach and gasping — it looked completely distorted. It wasn’t flat; it wasn’t round. It was bumpy and strange shaped. That night I got dressed in loose fitting clothers and managed to get out.

As time went on, I stopped fitting into my jeans. The first to go were my “going out” jeans — the tightest of the bunch. Soon, even my “fat” jeans no longer  fit. I was not eating any more than usual. Then I started feeling uncomfortable and increasingly lethargic. Missy and I went to Melanie’s birthday party in November, 2007. I remember having to wear leggings because nothing else fit. That was the last time I went out with my friends.

After that weekend, I simply could not make it out. I could barely get out of bed on the weekends, I was so uncomfortable. Getting dressed and going out at night was simply not possible. I was in pain. I was large. The thought of being social was too much to bear. This was just three months after our trip. My time for going out with my friends was short-lived.

We still talked and every now and then saw each other, including my birthday and Missy’s. But it wasn’t the same as I just couldn’t do anything aside from go to work and lay in my bed, and the occasional dinner. At the same time I stopped going out (Nov 2007) I also had to stop working out. I first noticed a something was seriously wrong with my tummy while I was at the gym on the elliptical in October. Even though my problems began in August, they were gradual and not immediately noticeable. I had been sucking up the pain at the gym but it got to the point where  excercising was too painful to continue. At this time, I ceased all social activities and workouts.

Now, almost two years after that fateful Israel trip, I know how to better eat to control my symptoms. While I still can’t go out at night to bars or stay out late, I can definitely see my friends in a relaxed setting. Due to my illness, Melanie’s random illnesses and our busy schedules, the three of us hadn’t gotten together just us in FOREVER. The Spin-A-Thon was the first time I even saw Melanie in about 6 months! So when Melanie ordered Hollywood Hills, 90028 we knew it was the perfect excuse to get together, eat sushi and Holey Donuts and oggle a 23-year-old Bethenny. Just the three of us. The way it used to be.

Before I get into my movie recap, I just want to say how wonderfully refreshing it was for us to all hang out together like this! We are alike in so many ways and we know so much about each other that everything just fits when we are together. I look forward to more time with my friends. Of course, that is contingent upon how I am feeling at any given time…

HOLLYWOOD HILLS, 90028

And now, the movie. When we first heard the dialogue, we couldn’t figure out if it was real; meaning, was this movie written seriously or was it written as a joke? It is hard to believe it was real, but I had not heard of it being a spoof. I honestly don’t know. When Bethenny was saying her outrageous lines, did she think she was in a real movie?? I would love to know. As I had no idea this movie would have this hilarious dialogue, I didn’t write any of it down. I would like to watch it again with pen and paper in hand, as I believe you would all get a kick out of it. Furthermore, the movie looked like a bootleg. The filming was shaky and not at all steady.

Bethenny’s face was fuller back then. I saw some expressions that I still see her make. But what we really wanted to see were her boobies. We were wondering if this movie was pre- or post-boob job. The answer? See for yourself.

The movie itself really was ridiculous. I’m going to give a recap, which really won’t ruin anything for you should you choose to see it. As Bethenny says, “trust.” Bethenny plays the new girl in school, who “falls in love” with a dorky boy who is part of a group of “cool” kids. When she finds out that the summer school teacher will give the boy a bad grade, she kills him with his gardening tools. Only at this point, you don’t see that it is Bethenny. As if it were a secret who the killer was.

The students are told only that their teacher died in his sleep. Then, when Bethenny is hanging out with her new friends, she mentions that her parents died in “a mysterious gardening accident.” No one questions this.

Bethenny and her new girl friend are laying out to get some sun and Bethenny takes her brarawf. Okay, her bikini top. That is when she reveals her topless self for the first time. Bethenny tries to convince the other girl to take her top off too and the girl refuses. Eventually, Bethenny tries to kiss her. The girl freaks out and becomes the first person to suspect that something is off about Bethenny.

When Bethenny’s dorky boyfriend (after a gratuitious sex scene that added no value to the movie whatsoever — but allowed for more Bethenny bosom time) mentions that one of the guys in their group used to be mean to him in the locker rooms in junior high, Bethenny shoots him in his man place. She goes on to kill her boyfriend’s father and best friend. “We can’t tell the police that I killed Keith and drove Dan to accidental suicide!” Real line.

So basically, the plot is that Bethenny kills everyone that gets in the way of what she wants. The girl who was her friend found her journal where she conveniently wrote all about her murders.

You know the movie is the real deal when the star’s name is spelling incorrectly in not one but TWO places.

On the back of the box, Bethenny Franked:

In the credits, Bethany Frankell:

You can’t make this stuff up. I am truly curious as to what Bethenny thinks about this movie now. I would really love to know!

TUMMY UPDATE

Since I mentioned my GI problems a bit in this post, I’ll provide an update now on what is going on. As I mentioned, I went to see a new GI on Friday. My current one recommended I see him, as he sees more patients with conditions like mine. I brought him all my test reports to date as well as a six page description of what I have gone through. We talked in his office for awhile and then he examined me. We went back to his office to discuss further.

Basically, it is not likely I will get better. It is also not likely medication will ever help, as I have tried it all with no success. There are two more tests I will do; the real reason is to officially rule every possible thing out, even things we have already ruled out from previous tests. This way, we can be sure we ruled out every possible cause for my problems.  Once those tests are finished, the last option is surgery.

Here’s the thing about the surgery — it is major. There is no turning back. There is no guarantee I will feel better after. Additionally, it is a personal choice. I can survive without it, but it is a matter of my quality of life. The good news is that they can do it laporoscopically, so no major scarring and shorter recovery time.

The doctor told me that should I opt for surgery, it should be at my absolute breaking point. The point where I decide I simply cannot live like this anymore. The point where I need to end my suffering for my life to resume normally. The personal choice comes in here — what is that breaking point for me? When will that be? I still can’t believe that what seemed to be a simple “problem digesting food” as I told my very first GI doc has turned into this. I can’t really understand the path it took to get here.

I will wait as long as possible if it comes to this. Once this surgey is compelte, there is simply no turning back. I have fears on both sides:

Fear – I have the surgery, and a year later a new medication comes out that would have been my answer. That would have made me better, without surgery.

Fear – I don’t have the surgery, and I wake up on my wedding day with the excrutiating spasming pain that is common for me. There are no medicines that have ever helped this pain for me; the medicines I do have make me fall asleep.

Fear – I have the surgery and feel much better. A year later (as the doctor told me has happened to others) my old symptoms return. It was all for nothing.

Fear – I don’t have the surgery and spend my entire life wondering what would have been if I did.

Fear – I have the surgery and spend my entire life wondering what would have been if I didn’t.

And on, and on, and on. Obviously there is a lot to think about and this isn’t a decision to be taken lightly. But first I will go through the final tests (one which will be AWFUL and I am dreading, the other which will be time consuming) and see what happens there. If it comes to the point (as the doctors suspect it will)  that my only option is surgery, I will visit more doctors for more opinions. I will speak to people who have gone through the surgery to hear their experiences. I will do everything possible to make sure I know as much as there is to know. And then I will wait for my breaking point. While I wait, I will do my best to eat the foods that don’t bother me, to get out and enjoy the city as much as I can and to remain upbeat despite the situation.

In happier news, tonight I will try Kinespirit (thanks to Melissa) and report back tomorrow. Also coming this week: a surprise popchip delivery, PETA’s Vegan College Cookbook review and another class at the Nalini Method! I also have more to post about the doormat situation!

P.S. I loved my Holey Donuts on Friday night. Try to win yours here. Or here.

Mallories says: this post wins the award for most people involved and most effort!

Hooch is crazy.