Wanna See My Writing Homework?

Hi kids and friends.

Yes, I made a list of things to post about the other day, but today I am going to post about none of those things. That is because I am not motivated to create new content. I am riding this bad blogger streak out as long as I can. Although I will be posting my 10K race recap (race is Sunday!) because I tested out my playlist today and I think I am in love.

I told you all how I signed up for a Humor Writing class at the Gotham Writers Workshop back in September. I took a free one hour course through them in Memoir Writing and loved it. When it came time to sign up for class, however, I had a hard time deciding between Memoir and Humor writing classes. In the end I opted for Humor because I read the instructor’s book, absolutely loved it and hoped to make her my best friend. I also figured that the lessons I learn in Humor would carry over into the memoir sector.

This proved to be true, as the class is modeled on humorous memoirs, such as anything by David Sedaris.  While I do realize in retrospect that Memoir might have been a better option for me based on my needs and the fact that I am hideously awful at constructing clever similes (a key aspect in humor writing), this class has challenged me and forced me to be a better writer. I learned the rules of the funny, and while I don’t plan to write a humorous memoir, I do plan to pepper my more somber future memoir with humor to make it more appealing, relatable, readable and overall better. Since my memoir would certainly be about my illness and possible upcoming surgery — a surgery that is very rare for a 26 year old in otherwise perfect health to get — it would certainly need some moments of funny in there.

I do plan to take the Memoir class at Gotham; just not next semester. After 8 weeks (out of 10) of 3 hour classes taking up my entire Wednesday night, I am ready for a break. I already use one night a week for a GI appointment, so it is hard for me to find time to see friends, work out, blog and relax. I’d like my time back for now, and maybe I’ll sign up for the Memoir class the next time around.

In my Humor class, I had to write two longer pieces that get critiqued by the class as well as shorter one page homework assignments. While I am not comfortable sharing my previous longer piece, I do hope to share my next one that is due next week! I will, however, share with you my most recent homework assignment. The assignment was different than most; usually our assignments are exercises in writing that remind me or writing like David Sedaris. This assignment, on the other hand, was to write a sales pitch for a product I invented. The more absurd the product, the better.

Because I have very few funny ideas of my own (at least none that can be leveraged for this particular course) I turned to my friends. I often turn to my friends for my homework, asking them for examples on funny sounding diseases or any type of simile. This time, my friend Dr. McGriddle (we love IHOP, I used to love Grey’s) came through and helped me with the idea and supporting elements. Thank you, Doctor.

For this particular homework, I volunteered to read it out loud to the class because (a) I was proud of it and (b) it meant I would not be called on to read my in class writing assignment, which tends to be beyond awful. When you read something out loud, the instructor critiques it on the spot. Some critiques I received was that the first paragraph is very strong, but the rest doesn’t fit with it; it is a one note joke and the tone got old very fast; I could have found a better flavor for one of my examples.

Please keep in mind this is very different from the writing I usually to do for this class, which tends to be humorous memoir type stories. Also, I struggle to make the most of the humor writing rules. Being funny is hard work. I have a hardcore newfound respect for these writers. Consider that next time you pick up Augusten Burroughs.

Behold, my writing class homework. My sales pitch.

Twinkie No-Crush

Misfortune can happen to anyone. Loved ones pass away, high school students drink and drive, Duane Reade sells out of the only brand of vaginal itch cream that really gets the job done. You can’t always control what happens to you. But now, there is one thing you can control: Twinkies.

You know how it is; you grab your Twinkies on your way out the door and shove them in your purse, back pocket or suitcase. After lunch, you pull your Twinkie out only to find that it is as smushed as the face of your neighbor’s whiny new pug.

A perfectly good Twinkie – a food with a shelf life of 30 years, a food that can survive a nuclear attack – ruined! Don’t you just hate when that happens?

Luckily for you, I’ve got the solution to your very problem: The Twinkie No-Crush! The Twinkie No-Crush is a crushproof container made from grade A, organic, shatter proof glass and fits perfectly around a Twinkie of any flavor – original, banana crème, even deep fried for special occasions.

The Twinkie No-Crush is easy to use and will keep your Twinkie safe. Once you securely close your Twinkie in the Twinkie No-Crush airtight glass container, a microscopic deadbolt snaps into place, activating a state of the art motion stabilizer that prevents your Twinkie from deflection and deviation. The built in refrigerative dehumidifier will protect your Twinkie from deadly toxins, mold and clothes moths.

And there’s more! The Twinkie No-Crush will extend the life of your Twinkie from 30 years to a whopping 120 years! Just think – you can save a Twinkie today and your great, great, great, GREAT grandchild can eat the very same Twinkie. How spectacular!

Order today and we’ll throw in the LoJack Security System for Stolen Twinkie Recovery, normally an $89.99 Twinkie No-Crush upgrade, absolutely free! This LoJack upgrade includes Police Tracking Computers in law enforcement vehicles, helicopters and fixed-wing aircraft for optimal tracking and recovery of stolen twinkies. You don’t want to miss out on this essential addition to your Twinkie No-Crush!

Don’t be fooled by imposters! Not only is the Twinkie No-Crush the only FDA approved Twinkie enclosure, it is also the only one made of glass. You don’t want one of those light yet ridiculous plastic containers – they’re bad for the environment. P.U.! Do something good for mother Earth; do something good for yourself; do something good for your Twinkies. For just 15 easy payments of $21.99, the Twinkie No-Crush can be yours. The price might seem steep to you now, but just consider the hundreds – even thousands – of dollars you’ll be saving on crushed, stolen or stale Twinkies. Don’t delay; order your Twinkie No-Crush today!

Have you ever taken a class for fun? What did you think of it? And, what do you think of my homework?