A friend of mine that I’ll call “Greg” told me about an experience he had on an escalator. I became so outraged by this information, I had to share:

“At work, I was taking the escalator down to the cafeteria and two ladies were standing side by side. So I asked one of them very nicely to let me pass (‘Excuse me, can i pass?’). She doesn’t step to the right, but instead moves slightly to the left so I can push my way in between. As I’m walking away, she says, ‘You know, you could always take the stairs. That is an option’. I looked back, shocked that my request elicited such a venomous response. I turned around and almost said ‘If anyone need to take the stairs it would be you and your friend . . . you can use the exercise,’ but instead I said “Thanks for the advice.’ Unreal!”

My comments: WTF??!! Of course Greg can take the stairs, but the part of the beauty of the escalator is that it allows you to get from one place to another quickly! And as most everyone knows, the general rule of thumb on escalators is “stand on the right.” In London they even have signs! There is no rule saying “Escalators for standing only.” That is ridiculous. The women are in the wrong here for not knowing the rule. And for being bitches.

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I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile now, and Randy recently tackled the same topic, so I figured I might as well get my anger out.

1. To walk, place one foot in front of the other. Repeat with opposite foot. Continue with this pattern until you reach your desired destination. Keep moving. Amazing, right?! You’ll be surprised by how easy this actually is!

2. If you need to stop in the middle of the sidewalk, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. The edge of the sidewalk closest to buildings is a good spot, as is near a tree on the street side. Do not, I repeat, do not simply cease moving mid-sidewalk.

3. When walking under a scaffold, close your umbrella. There is no need for others to have to duck around you and try not to get hit. The rain will not touch you with a protective shield above your head.

4. When you are carrying a closed, very large umbrella, do not hold it horizontally and swing your arm back and forth as you walk. Your umbrella will kill someone. Stop being so fucking inconsiderate. There is no need to swing. I promise.

5. If I am walking straight and you are diagnally behind me and you decide you need to get to the other side of me to get wherever you are going, do not walk into me. Why not just turn left or right behind me or in front of me? Why walk INTO me?!

5a. If you are coming at me from a 90 degree angle, again, no need to walk INTO me. No need at all.

6. If you are walking with your friend, don’t leave a space between you that no one can fit through when there is no room to pass on either side. Give me a chance to get past! Especially when you and your friends decide to walk extra slow.

7. If you are a slow walker, walk on the side so those who don’t have all the time in the world can get past you.

8. When the walking light is blinking, DO NOT STOP as soon as you get to the crosswalk. I am walking right behind you and I want to make the light! Again, it must be nice to have so much free time and nowhere to be, but you must be considerate of those who aren’t as fortunate.

9. The subway escalator series:

– If you want to stand, STAND ON THE RIGHT. The left is for people who walk.

– If you are running down the escalator (on the left side) because a train is at the bottom, do not suddenly stop when you realize it isn’t your train. I’m running right behind you, and it might be my train, inconsiderate douchebag.

– When you walk toward the escalator and reach the entrance, it is not the time to stop, open your bag, look for whatever it is you are looking for, put away your metro card, etc. I am behind you and am trying to get on the escalator. I do not want to miss a train because you chose the worst place ever to stop.

10. When you swipe your MetroCard and get a message on the screen that you don’t have enough money on your card (Insufficient Funds), do not keep swiping. Do you think the money will suddenly appear on your card if you swipe repeatedly and hold up everyone waiting behind you? No, you idiot. The message means you have to put money on your card! STOP SWIPING.

11. After you swipe your card and the message reads “GO”, go! Now you hesitated, you lost the trip you paid for, and you are too stupid to realize it. You try to push through too late and you can’t get past. You don’t understand why and you start swiping again repeatedly, once again holding up the line. What the fuck do you think “go” means you jackass??

12. When you are with a very large group of friends on the sidewalk and I am trying to get by, move out of the way. Very simple concept. You and your group are creating a swarm in the middle of the sidewalk and there is no way for me to get past. Clear a path.

13. Do not walk on the back of my shoe.

14. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, DON’T WALK INTO ME.

15. Stop swerving. You’re not a drunk driver. I was walking straight and now you’re blocking my way.

16. WALK!!!!!

That concludes How to Walk in the City 102. I know I didn’t cover it all, and I will have much more to teach you in How to Walk in the City 103.

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