Enjoy this potpourri of message chains. I will label each one accordingly:

Stupidity at it’s best
Read the following Facebook message (that I received when I was well out of school) from the bottom up:

Dori: I really hope that second question was more “conversation” or else you really are an idiot
Michael: lol i know im just making conversation. which year are you?
Dori: Um, why don’t you read my profile before asking me questions that are already answered in there?
Michael: hey cute pictures =) do you still go to baruch?

Dumbfounded… or just plain dumb?
A message I got on MySpace that everyone should see:

Subject: a pro writter?
Body: hey im considering journalism as my job of choice to learn in college. i seem to have a knack for writting and i love covering sports…soo..by all accounts its up my ally. tho at the same time i dont want a real job. i want my job to be pro athlete!..yaa besides the fact that that wont happen…whats it like bieng a pro writter? what do you write about? who do you write for? what are some of the things you gotta do and know inorder to be a pro writteR?

im very curious to know
-matt

Matt, here is my advice for you:
1. If you are serious about becoming a pro writter, I suggest you learn how to spell “writer”
2. You do have a knack for it, and you will be successful in it because you will be the very first pro writter
3. It’s up your ally? As in, the U.S., Russia and the U.K.?
4. Don’t give up your dreams on being an pro athlete

*Disclaimer: Any and all correspondence sent to me is fair game for ridicule if you are a moron

What is wrong with this message?
Subject:HI CUTE

Body:HEY DORY YOU ARE SO PRETTY , GOD BLESS YOU, IAM FROM JERSEY, AND I LOVE OASIS TOO

1. My name: You clicked on a picture with my name above it. You wrote me a message while the correct spelling of my name was ON THE SAME PAGE as the you wrote it, in the “To” section. And yet you still spelled my name wrong. Which means that not only are you an idiot, but you can’t even copy letters correctly.

2. Oasis: Do you really think I wrote that dialogue entitled “British Parliament” to express my views on Oasis? If I loved Oasis (which I don’t, I think they are good though), wouldn’t I list them in my “Music” section as favorite artists? I wouldn’t write a crazy skit about it and post that skit in my profile.

3. Subject Line: Hi Cute. Uhh, did you mean “cutie”?

That is all I have to say about this message.

All _____ look alike
Another real MySpace message:

I read your blog about the Israeli soldier who tried to sell you a phone and buy your iPod….to me that sounds like he somehow just tell someone is Jewish. To me, y’all look like the any other white person…so is there some methodology I don’t know? Are you gonna celebrate Shabbat on March 3rd? I know these things because my apartment is right next to a synagogue.
Mike

Ok, kids. Obviously I can say a lot about this, but the first thing I have to bring up is the fact that this kid took the next Friday that is coming up and acted like it was a holiday in itself. March 3rd. The conversation could go something like this:

“Oh, are you celebrating March 3rd this year?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s Shabbat again!”
“Wow these Fridays come and go fast these days”And what should my response have been? Jordana suggested, “now that you mention it, i think i will celebrate shabbat on March 3, and maybe March 10 too….”

Or…

“Wow! Friday is Shabbat!!! Who wouldve known, I mean, it just totally crept up on me”

And my brilliant little brother said:
“march 3rd
shabbat day
one of the high holy holidays”

Right. Next point: in case I have to clarify for everyone, the Israeli guy on the bus didn’t “approach” me. I had my iPod in my hand and he was sitting next to me. I also had my phone in my hand when he brought that one up. He did not suspect that I might be Jewish or even care. And why would being Jewish or not impact his decision on whether or not to buy my iPod? Or my cell phone? I should have sold the guy my phone in retrospect since it sucks and I just ordered a new one. I probably should have bought a new one from him as well.

And I’m glad you think we Jews blend in with the rest of the white people. That has been our goal for many years. Really since we started the at-birth horn removal surgeries. Once we blend in and can’t be spotted– that is when we can take over from right under the gentiles’ noses.

And this coming from an Asian.

I hate to do too much of the same, but…
Subject:hey

Body: eeeew….IHOP sucks, how can you like that restaurant? Da vince code sucks, too, but Baruch College is the Best. I went there and graduated in 2004. What do you do at the job you hate so much?

I really don’t want to get in the habit of posting messages I get too often… but I got so heated by this one that it stayed with me, and I just had to.

1. IHOP sucks. I think IHOP is delicious– so does everyone I know. It is fine that you don’t like it– maybe you don’t like breakfast food. Or pancakes, which is just weird. But saying my favorite restaurant sucks is not the way to get me to like you. How can I like that restaurant? It’s easy! I like the food there. That is generally how people choose which restaurants they like. And by the way: “eeeew”?? It is fine not to like something “Ed”, but it is downright rude to make such a big deal knowing that the person you are telling this to loves what you are professing hatred for. Get some fucking manners.

2. The Da vince code sucks. You are the first person I have heard of you didn’t like The Da Vinci Code, which is fine. I happen to have loved it, and it is a page turner. That being said, I can totally respect your opinion on not liking it. Although you might want to learn to spell “Da Vinci” before ridiculing it in an effort to make me feel stupid. And this is not a way to get me to like you (which I assume is why you are messaging me in the first place– you want me to like you)

3. Baruch College is the Best. ????? Um. What? I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, Baruch is a CUNY. It is one building. It is a commuter school. It is not even a good school at ALL (unless you are there for business). It is extremely poorly run, the entire school is a mess. That being said, it is school. And I will once again add– COMMUTER SCHOOL. You officially have lost the right to say that ANY school is the “best” if you had to go home at the end of the day to your parents. Another point— IS THIS REALLY YOUR WAY OF MAKING ME LIKE YOU? By saying a horrible school is the Best with a capital B? I feel SO much anger by this one. And it is weird to hate IHOP pancakes but think a school is the Best.
P.S. I’m glad you got such a good education at Baruch that you know that Da vince code is all lowercase (and has an e, apparently), and that random words in the middle of the sentence can be capitalized.

4. The job you hate so much. Where did you get that from? Apparently you didn’t read my blogs where I convey the idea that I enjoy my job (by posting pics of books we have, writing pretend emails, etc)… ok, that is fine. You don’t have to read my blogs, I am actually glad you didn’t. But where on earth did you get the idea that I hate my job? And not only do I hate it, I hate it so much. Wow. That is intense. I am glad you know me so well. Before you write me an idiotic message, why don’t you make sure you know what you are talking about.

And lastly, the newest one. I belong in a Pokeball.
Subject: jesus christ i now i beilive in angels lol
Body: Damn….i dunno how to say this but if i had a pokeball i’d put you in. And keep you..jus cus your soooo fuckin adorbale like those cute ass pokemon cartoons…..but you waaaaay cuter

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