Archive of ‘Funny’ category

2011 DSB Year in Review

Happy new year! Last year I posted my 2010 DSB Year in Review a little earlier — as in, before the new year — but I also had a lot less going on in my life (read: I had no access to a couch in which to sit and do nothing for hours on end). I ended that post with “I am excited to see where 2011 takes us!” I sometimes lament on how I don’t understand time, and when I wrote that post I did not think for a second about writing this 2011 version, knowing exactly where 2011 took me. I’m glad to be able to say that this year was even better, which I wasn’t sure was even possible at the time.

I never could have known when I wrote last year’s recap that by the same time next year, I would have run one and two-thirds marathons, filmed an online webisode for a huge search engine, fall in love for the first time, find a great job and get quoted in the biggest newspaper in the world, to name just a few. And as always, this blog was instrumental in most of my year.

And if you are one of the 37,000 people who found my blog this past weekend from Texgate lol, I want to say welcome and also that I was advised once to work on not getting frustrated with people who are dumb, but instead to feel fortunate that I (and all of you non-idiots) have a gift that they don’t. It is a very lovely way to think about the world. That said, please send me comments or emails about stupid people you might like to see ridiculed here.

I don’t see the world in such a lovely way.

Anyway, here we go with my 2011 DSB Year in Review . . .

January

On January 1, I rang in the 2011 new year with blogger friends old and new and proclaimed that my goal for 2011 was to find a career where I am writing and doing social media related to health & fitness. I actually achieved that goal (See July ) and even though my job isn’t 100% health & fitness, I am thrilled with what I am doing and there is some fitness-related stuff going on there.

Dori and Missy NYE 2011

On January 26, I felt legitimized as a blogger who happens to love fitness when I was quoted on page 2 in the New York Times article “Full-Service Gyms Feel A Bit Flabby about getting the most out of my workouts with dedicated, boutique fitness classes.

February

On February 1, I shared my response to that NY Times article — namely that the reason people pay so much for boutique fitness classes and even join on top of already-expensive gym memberships is because these classes produce results.

After alluding to my hip injury that was preventing me from running and taking some of my favorite exercise classes, I finally explained it to everyone in a two part series: My Hip Injury – Part 1 and My Hip Injury – Part 2

Also in February, the amazing exhale spa (home of Core Fusion classes) offered me the chance to try acupuncture to help with my hip. Naturally, I accepted.

March

In early March, a doctor told me I was too pale to run a marathon. This “sports doctor” orthopedist seemed very sure of himself as he chuckled at me for even wanting to do such a thing while my hue was so fair.

And he had some bad timing, since I also started writing a weekly column called Dori’s Quest for NBC New York’s GO Healthy NY website, in which my first post was called How I Got Into The Greatest Marathon in the World.

Dori running first qualifying race for 2011 NYC Marathon

The best part of March — of every March — is my favorite time of year, my birthday, at which everyone pays attention to Dori. Everyone has to be nice to me and buy me drinks and I get to be a self-absorbed asshole on this blog and post tons of pictures of myself.

Case in point:

Dori at her birthday 2011

The other best part of March? Meeting the boy who likes sitting on the couch and doing nothing as much as I do. And he actually owns a couch so really that’s why I love him.

Dori and Andy

I promise I own more than one dress.

April

I fulfilled my dream of attending a Wendy Williams show taping, and appeared on the show on April 12 with my blogging friend Heather (formerly of Hangry Pants fame). Here we are beside Rudy Huxtable’s real life mom:

Dori and Heather at Wendy Williams

I also published two freelance articles for the incredible Blisstree.com:

And on April 26, it was time to write a blog post but I didn’t have anything to write about. Then my friend forwarded me an email and I just had to make fun of it. Publicly. It epitomized my friend’s and my saying: What is wrong with EVERYONE?! And so the most popular post in my entire blogging career — by far — was created:

Texting and Dating, or Texgate lol 2011 

Have I mentioned how much I love the internet?

May

I finally made it as a blogger after a commenter called me a self entitled c*nt.

In non-texgate news, I started running again after taking six months off from my hip injury and felt like my November NYC Marathon dream might actually be possible after all.

Dori running again

June

On June 11, Missy and I hosted a free IntenSati class as part of the Be Fit NYC initiative on how to make NYC your gym, and even though we had to change the location (it was too rainy for Central Park), lots of people came and it was a huge success as evidenced by this photo of my ass:

Dori's butt at IntenSati

And even though I guaranteed had entry to the ING NYC Marathon, I decided to also run the race as part of the Girls on the Run charity program called Solemates because, why not? For the second time (first here), my blog readers helped me raise money for an amazing cause!

July

I explained why July is my favorite month of the year (it is REAL SUMMER!) and in unrelated news my roommate moved out of our 320 square goot apartment. I still do not have a place to put things. I also fulfilled my dream of being recognized for taking the best race photographs of all time and appeared on the NYRR.org homepage!

Dori on NYRR

On July 11, I started training for the ING NYC Marathon — a goal I had in the works for over a year, and the biggest thing I wanted to achieve in 2011.

I also accepted a job offer, accomplishing the goal I mentioned earlier of finding a career that involved writing and social media in the wellness world. Really, I am the social media manager for a number of beauty brands (such as Hydroxatone and Sarah McNamara Beauty) but I love it and I’ve got some wellness-related items in the works there too.

I finished the month with a surprise PR in the Queens Half Marathon — my first half marathon post-injury and one I did not train or plan to run my fastest half marathon at 2:06:27 in. Because I learned I can run a sub-10 minute mile half marathon without great training, this race inspired me to do train correctly and do even better in the half marathon distance next year. I have an ambitious goal for 2012.

Dori Queens Half Marathon

August

I revealed the secret video shoot I had been alluding to on my blog for almost two months with my Bing: Friends Matter webisode filmed at Refine Method (founder Brynn Jinnett appears in the video), The Gym at Chelsea Piers and Central Park. This was all about how our friends influence our decision, and exists because of Bing’s partnership with Facebook.

While I was in the best shape of my life during that shoot (which happened in June), in August I started feeling run down and — for the first time since I fell in love with exercise in January 2010 — burnt out.  Goes to show that everyone, no matter who they are or how strong — goes through periods where motivating to work out is hard.

Luckily before that happened, I ran a strong 14 miles — the longest run of my life to date, and the first time I ran farther than the half marathon distance. And it was just a week after my half marathon PR!

Dori at 14 mile run

And in response to a reader’s question about how I stay in shape, I also explained why I don’t tell you what I eat.

Also in August I was the subject of an interview with my friend Ben Waldman of Motivate Your Ass for NBC New York for his column called Extraordinary Motivation.

September

I ran 15 miles for the first time in my life, and I ran it by myself, which is highly unusual for me with crazy long distances.  I also decided to stop writing for NBC New York’s GO Healthy NY blog because I had less time with my new job.

I ran the 18 Mile Marathon Tune-Up — a race I ran past the year before and knew it would one day be me — where it would appear I outran death:

Dori and Masked Runner    Dori and Masked Runner 2

October

Surprise! I ran 20 miles for the first time — and felt great — on a day I had 19 on my schedule.

Dori's first 20

And then I ran my planned 20 miler!  With no route planned, Z and I ended up at LaGuardia Airport and Riker’s Island. Those two 20-mile runs both went so great, and I felt so strong both during and after, that I knew I could run 26.2. All doubt about the distance vanished and I felt confident.

20 miler route

November

After a year of qualifying through the NYRR 9+1 program, four months of training, lots of anticipation, excitement and anxiety, and thinking/talking about nothing else for months, it was finally time for the ING NYC Marathon on November 6. Like many things we plan, the race didn’t go as I expected. After suffering indescribable, freak upper-GI pain for a good nine miles, I made the extremely heartbreaking, difficult decision to leave the race at mile 18.

Dori running ING NYC Marathon

A week later, I surprised most people when I announced that I finished the SunTrust Richmond Marathon in 4:33:29! I completed my first marathon on November 11, 2011 – a good 20 minutes faster than I thought I’d finish. I was so happy and thankful that everything worked out the way it did.

Running that race was the greatest four hours of my life and I still wish I was back inside of it.

Dori at Richmond Marathon    Dori finishing Richmond Marathon

On November 22, I announced I was axing Tuesday Blags and instead going to blog when I felt like it. So far, I’ve failed miserably. Happy Tuesday!

December

On December 6, I reflected on what my two years of loving exercise has taught me about myself, which may all have canceled  each other out by points such as “I am lazy” and “I am an underachiever” juxtaposed with “I like pushing myself” and “I am tough on myself.”

I went to my new(ish) job’s holiday party on December 8 which validated my decision to accept said job when I saw they brought in both a caricature artist and a photo booth.

Dori and Andy caricature

My last post of 2011 was a long-winded explanation of my workout goals for 2012. The short-winded version? I’m only going to take classes I know are excellent or actually want to take, and I am not going to try new classes (either out of curiosity or for review) unless I really, really want to.

And lastly, in December, I received the most thoughtful, meaningful, best present of my life when my brother and sister-in-law sent me this word cloud from my own blog to commemorate my marathon finish. It looks like a sneaker and is fascinating:

So, yeah. I’d say 2011 was pretty great. I ran 585 miles, took more Refine Method and Core Fusion Cardio classes than I can count, ran a marathon, fell in love with a sweet boy with a couch and got an amazing job. I’m in worse shape physically than I was at this time last year, but now that I’m back into taking classes I think things will turn around. And throughout this past year — especially after I was a wreck from my DNF in the NYC Marathon and after I was elated from completing the Richmond Marathon — the support from your comments and emails helped me get through everything. When you’re happy for me, I feel happier for myself. When you commiserate with me, I feel better knowing I’m not alone.

I could not have achieved many of my 2011 accomplishments without this blog and without your support.

I still don’t know what will happen with DSB and my posting frequency, but I can’t imagine not having this record of every month of my life so I’m sure I’ll figure something out. I’ve got great things coming up in 2012 and as always, I’m excited to share it as it happens here.

Dudes Unite!

An apartment building gym that shall remain nameless recently sent the following email to its members:

Subject:  New Class for Guys

Dudes Unite!

This class isn’t for the causal fitness enthusiast… This class is for those that want to take their workouts in another direction and to another level. This class is rough, and its tough, so you can get buff!

So what is it?… It is a total body interval training class with a sports infusion! That means, you get bigger, stronger, faster though many sports fitness drills and athletic skills. This class will use sports training techniques that the pros use to get their athletes to perform better and to increase their lean muscle mass.

In this class we will use ladders for speed drills, cardiovascular movements, weights and resistance bands to increase strength, not to mention plyometric movements to build explosive power while improving your balance and coordination.

So Men,  hang up your ties and strap on your sneakers. Come work out with nationally certified personal trainer Clewi Challeger [sic] and enjoy a class that is guaranteed to challenge you. Clewi is a former division I college football athlete with a powerlifting background.

You want to get better? Then let’s get Ruff, Tuff and Buff starting on Wednesday September 21st at 6:30 pm!

Jane Shelly CPT, CSCS

So. Much. To. Say. About this.

Before I go through the contents of this email, I have to give praise to the author. As a writer myself, I only wish I was able to write so descriptively. This person clearly has very strong feelings about this fitness class. I really want to try it — but is it for guys only? That was not clear.

Now, we analyze.

Subject:  New Class for Guys

DSB note: Good start. I’d like to know more.

Dudes Unite!

DSB note: Well, OK then. Dudes unite!

This will be the way I greet people from now on. Good morning, hello, bye = no more. From now on, DUDES UNITE! Every greeting. Who’s with me?

This class isn’t for the causal fitness enthusiast… This class is for those that want to take their workouts in another direction and to another level. This class is rough, and its tough, so you can get buff!

DSB note: I’m not sure if I am more intrigued by what this class might be like, or by the Saved by the Bell Ox-ish rhyme sequence.

So what is it?… It is a total body interval training class with a sports infusion!

DSB note: Whenever I see an ellipses in the middle of two complete sentences, I know they mean business. Manly business. Dudes unite!

That means, you get bigger, stronger, faster though many sports fitness drills and athletic skills. This class will use sports training techniques that the pros use to get their athletes to perform better and to increase their lean muscle mass.

In this class we will use ladders for speed drills, cardiovascular movements, weights and resistance bands to increase strength, not to mention plyometric movements to build explosive power while improving your balance and coordination.

DSB note: I want to know more about this explosive power. What is it exactly? A quick search of the tubes shows me this is a fairly common man-exercise term. Who coined it? And where does the line fall between regular power and explosive power? Is there a formula? 

I can’t speak to ladders, but as for cardiovascular movements, weights, resistance bands and plyometric movements . . . that sounds a whole lot like the classes I take  (though I do not believe I’ve been promised explosive power). My classes are mostly comprised of women. Or I should say, Women, because. . .

So Men,  hang up your ties and strap on your sneakers.

DSB note: What in the hell kind of sneakers are these Men wearing that they are strapped on?! Also, all Men wear ties to work. And you have to achieve explosive power to go from being a man to being a Man.


[Real Men with explosive power after strapping on footwear]

Come work out with nationally certified personal trainer Clewi Challeger [sic] and enjoy a class that is guaranteed to challenge you. Clewi is a former division I college football athlete with a powerlifting background.

DSB note: The lack of Clewi photos and information on the webnets says a lot about his popularity. Also, the fact that he is teaching at an apartment building gym.

You want to get better?

DSB note: Better at what?

Then let’s get Ruff, Tuff and Buff starting on Wednesday September 21st at 6:30 pm!

DSB note: I totally get why they spelled “ruff and tuff” the way they did. But they did not spell the words this way earlier on in the email, which invalidates their decision to do so at this time. Consistency, Man aerobics people!

 

Jane Shelly CPT, CSCS

DSB note: The sender of the email has not one but two girls’ names. After getting all hyped up about Men fitness, seeing two lady names makes me doubt her ability to help Dudes Unite! Hopefully this does not deter any Men from taking class.

Final thoughts:

While this email is really funny on many levels, I think  it will scare guys at normal fitness levels away. It sounds impossible! One guy I know (whom I cannot confirm nor deny is my boyfriend, as I specifically promised not to embarrass him) even responded to the email to inquire whether something more basic is available, proclaiming Clewi’s class “about 10 levels past what I am capable of.”

He received no response. Real Men are too busy with explosive power and strap-on sneakers to respond to emails.

Fitness class descriptions should sound challenging — I mean, that is the point — but should also seem attainable. Unless it is an advanced version of a regular class, I don’t like to see people alienated by a workout. That is the reason so many people don’t exercise; they feel out of place, uncomfortable and confused. I used to feel that way all the time. In fact, when I was a member my old gym few years ago, they had IntenSati and I never once went because I thought IntenSati meant “intense.” (It doesn’t.) Now that I know the class, I love it! I also avoided yoga for years for the very same reason.

Regardless, this is a hilarious email and class description. It made my day. What are your thoughts on this email? And is it for guys only? Can I try it?? And do I need a special type of footwear with straps?

Dudes unite!

 

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