I get upset easily. I am a crier. I do not have a thick skin. This is a flaw. I don’t like it about myself and I don’t recommend you try this at home.
It is because of this flaw that I feel the need to defend myself to idiots on the internet.
I left a totally innocuous comment on one of my favorite blogs, Melissa Nibbles. She was talking about people jumping on the gluten-free/sugar-free/whatever else-free bandwagon and explained that she eats all those foods and her stomach feels fine. I commented and said:
I’m still waiting for people to join me on the “I’m giving up salad bandwagon.” Talk about making my stomach hurt.
What I did not say:
- No one should eat salad! It is bad for you.
- I hate vegetables and I won’t eat them!
- My body feels better when I eat crappy foods than vegetables, so I will eat crappy foods!
Nope, said none of those things. All I said was that salad (not vegetables; salad) makes MY stomach hurt. “Hurt,” by the way, was a euphemism for “be rushed to the emergency room while screaming in pain.”
A commenter by the name of Cat felt the need to respond to my comment, since she was able, by use of her extremely advanced brain power, to know exactly what I meant when I said salad makes my stomach hurt:
Dori I’ll join you on that no-salad bandwagon. My insides feel waaaay better when all I’m consuming is bread, beer and meat compared to when I’m eating vegetables at every meal.
I immediately went back to my own comment, because I had no recollection of saying I eat meat. As a vegetarian, it doesn’t sound like something I would say — but Cat seems to know all, so she must be right! I also don’t drink beer. While I never liked the taste, now I physically cannot drink it because it is a bloating agent as I am sure many of you know. And about those vegetables. Last I heard, vegetables — especially cooked vegetables (which I CAN eat!) — are not the same thing as salad. When I say salad, the first thing that comes to mind is a bowl with a good amount of raw lettuce or spinach — the foods that would completely debilitate me. I cannot eat raw vegetables.
I know I should have just let it go. Who cares, right? It’s the internet and people are jerks and can hide behind the cloak of anonymity.
But I couldn’t help myself. I can’t explain it, but I feel this need to defend myself on the internet. I don’t want people thinking incorrect things about me and I felt frustrated at the complete misreading of my comment. Ask any of my friends or family — they will tell you I am one of the cleanest eaters they know. People come to me for nutrition advice! I write a health blog! So the insinuation that I eat crap foods — all because “salad makes my stomach hurt” — offended me. Cat falls into the category of “What is wrong with EVERYONE?!“
Listen, I am all for dissenting comments. I don’t want anyone to be scared to say what they are thinking in my own comments section. If you call me a self-entitled c*nt (Hi John!) I might call you out on it, but you don’t need to agree with whatever I am saying. I welcome and encourage all types of comments as long as you’re not an ass about it.
But I can only appreciate dissenting comments when there is some sort of basis. Some facts or knowledge. And if you don’t know what you are talking about, either research it or simply ask! Cat could have said “Dori, why does salad make your stomach hurt? Do all vegetables do that? What do you eat?” Instead, she assumed that I meant I hate vegetables and love meat and beer, and she attacked. And since when is it OK to judge someone else’s pain?
So I replied.
Cat — That sounds like an exciting diet but as as a vegetarian and non-beer drinker (chronic stomach illnesses destroy all the fun!) I won’t be able to join.
I expressed my point concisely, although I could have been less abrasive. I generally try not to be passive aggressive and I think I failed here, but at least I said what I needed to say.
I doubt Cat clicked through to my blog, but if she did she might have seen that my most recent post at the time linked to this article about my ordeal with a chronic illness that keeps me from eating some of the healthy foods I love. But my guess is that Cat is not someone who does much reading.
And by the way, there are other people in my no-salad bandwagon. I know this because they have contacted me after reading my blog to commiserate. And guess what? They are all people with digestive illnesses. And none of them are happy with this restriction.
It kills me every day that “salad makes my stomach hurt.” I want so much to be able to eat this food that I loved before I got sick. I wasn’t denying that salad is healthy; the fact it is so healthy makes me SAD that I can’t enjoy its health benefits! Which is why I drink green juice instead. Which is sort of like beer and meat.
The next time you’re about to click that submit button on a comment, think for a second about whether you are being an uninformed jerk. Read this great Hollaback Health post on leaving dissenting comments. And then, if your comment is still ignorant and this is truly who you are, go ahead and click submit.
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Happier News:
Chase
May 10, 2011 at 7:55 am (14 years ago)Dori, go on with your bad no-salad self. Don’t even think twice about the “Cat”s of the world.
marie
May 10, 2011 at 8:10 am (14 years ago)Someone called me a twat once on my blog! (And not even one of my friends!) It was my proudest moment ever.
kate
May 12, 2011 at 4:03 pm (14 years ago)Oh my god!!
Eunice
May 10, 2011 at 9:39 am (14 years ago)I think you handled it gracefully. I would’ve had a hard time not saying anything as well, so I get it. At least she didn’t call you a twat, I guess. 🙂
David H.
May 10, 2011 at 9:39 am (14 years ago)The problem is with comments on blog, Facebook or Twitter is that no one can hear your tone of voice, nor do people really “know” you. There are always a lot of assumptions out there.
Dori
May 10, 2011 at 2:14 pm (14 years ago)Very true! Still, though — as soon as I said something causes me pain, tone should not matter.
Eliz@The Sweet Life
May 10, 2011 at 9:54 am (14 years ago)Aww….Sorry you were upset by the exchange. I hate feeling unsettled by things like that!
Sam
May 10, 2011 at 9:58 am (14 years ago)I don’t think you were abrasive or sounded passive-aggressive. You were very classy in your response. And its a good thing that you responded to Cat’s presumptuousness. Next time she won’t be as quick to judge.
Jacque
May 10, 2011 at 11:30 am (14 years ago)Hi Dori! I was googling about Food Buzz and your article came up from last year about what you thought of Food Buzz… this peaked my curiosity, as a few people I know are WAY into food blogging- anyway, your blog was linked to this article so here I am, on Dori’s Shiny Blog… reading the above post. You are awesome and I think I am going to be visiting you more often- I think this is the first real blog I have read!
Kim
May 10, 2011 at 11:32 am (14 years ago)Believe it or not, I used to have thin skin. Then I became a bartender and had 45 cents thrown at me by a middle aged biker chick during one of my first solo shifts. I was instantly covered in armadillo-like armor, sailor’s mouth included. Thin skinned bartenders don’t last long. That was nearly 6 years ago. As David above said, in type, no one knows your tone…and remember, CAT’s tone may have been sarcastic or lighthearted, too. It just may not have translated well. Then again, not everyone is going to like you. No matter how hard you try. I’d say that was a pretty easy 1st online scuff.
If I may give you some advice–in the future, don’t re-respond. Who cares? It’s just one comment amongst a dozen, on one blog amongst dozens. Don’t waste your time! HOWEVER–and here’s the best advice I can give ANYONE–if a response IS necessary, I find using “So’s your face” works pretty well in many circumstances. Even if it doesn’t make sense. ESPECIALLY if it doesn’t make sense. It’ll deflect attention, if nothing else. I do it at work all the time to coworkers and they usually laugh and walk away, crisis averted.
Cameo Morningstar
May 10, 2011 at 12:04 pm (14 years ago)Sometimes I think I am writing something funny (it is in my head) and then when I type it out it looks/sounds ridic. I try to edit all of my comments, but some slip through. However, I would not have gleaned “bread, beer and meat” from “giving up salad” as I do not equate salad with veggetables either and bread, beer and meat are all 3 things that wreak havok on my own insides. Who feels better after a meal of bread, beer and meat besides a leprachaun?
Cameo
May 10, 2011 at 12:07 pm (14 years ago)Case in point – typo! VEGETABLES!
Missy Maintains
May 10, 2011 at 12:13 pm (14 years ago)Ugh this pisses me off. People need to think twice before typing out stupid comments like that. If only she knew how much hell you have been through from this illness.
Chanelle
May 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm (14 years ago)Hey Dori! I almost NEVER comment on blogs but I just felt the strongest urge to take you up on your offer to comment without being an ass… And hopefully you’ll understand and NOT get upset (because my intention is never to hurt you or make you cry or anything else you may have experienced from a negative comment)
I don’t have a whole lot of time to go back to Missy’s blog and interpret Cat’s comment to you after your original comment, but from this whole post and Cat’s comment, it really, honestly, sounds to me like she WASN’T trying to be a jerk with what she said to you. Seeing how the comment was on Missy’s blog, I also don’t expect her to have researched more about you, since she probably percieved you as just another commenter, before assuming that you also preferred to eat meat and drink beer (it would have made more sense for her to read about your health issues if she was commenting on YOUR blog, in my opinion).
Should she have posed a question as to WHY salad make your stomach hurt? Yes. Did she make an assumption that I probably would have made had I not known your situation? Yes. Was it kind of a fail on her part? Yes.
Maybe I just have a thicker skin, but I just don’t see how that comment was mean, of course you are absolutely entitled to your feelings and the bottom line is you WERE hurt by it. But some things just don’t need to be dignified, especially if they strike you as ignorant (also my opinion, but also a word of advice from my mom and I always take her advice).
I think your comment back to Cat, while a bit passive-aggressive, was appropriate because I firmly believe in the power of sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness to get a point across when you feel hurt or upset rather than going on a curse-filled rampage in the comments section of a friend’s blog. So good for you for feeling empowered to make a comment back on your own behalf!
But I will say this, Cat’s comment also didn’t strike me with the tone of “all-knowingness” about you or your situation, again, because she wasn’t actually commenting on YOUR blog (and correct me if I’m wrong if it was a comment on a post on your blog).
But I bet if she were to read this, with you calling her “all knowing”, implying that she doesn’t read much and basically calling her a jerk, she could probably be just as offended that her seemingly innocent comment towards you turned into a while post on another blog aimed directly at her. Theoretically, she could turn the tables back on you for writing a post about HER being a jerk when she PROBABLY didn’t mean to. Again, THIS IS ALL DEVIL’S ADVOCATE SPEAK HERE… just trying to see the situation from both sides and I emphasized probably because I don’t know her and I could never know her intent.
I just know that I (and many others) can make quick comments that TOTALLY get misread and turn into internet fiascoes (hello… FACEBOOK anyone?!) and I honestly believe that when Cat read “no-salad” (salad, being a food that connotes “dieting” and clean eating in our society), she made the semi-logical jump to the opposite of “dieting” and clean eating, i.e. her “crap food” that she enjoys.
So yeah… while I don’t think having a thin skin is that big of a flaw, I feel like learning how to react to petty comments is a skill that people not only need to have on the internet, but in life. I was just a little taken aback by the whole post because, if I didn’t read your blog regularly and at least hold a few conversations with you on facebook and twitter (which I have), I would probably read THIS post as a bit catty… But I’ll admit that it’s a lot nicer than I would have been had I been as upset as you were.. which is why I tend to rant to someone in person so that MY inevitable curse-filled blog rant doesn’t come back to bite me in the butt haha.
So I hope you understood what I meant and continue to be strong against mean commenters. And if Cat really was trying to be mean, then she can just go somewhere with her meat, bread and beer.
Dori
May 10, 2011 at 2:13 pm (14 years ago)Thank you for taking the time to comment.
It actually wasn’t left on Missy’s blog, it was left on Melissa Nibbles (so much less beer guzzling there!). The comment was most definitely sarcastic, especially by her use of “waaay.” Honestly — I just don’t think there is EVER an excuse to judge someone’s pain. Ever. I said I am in pain, and it should not have been ridiculed.
I don’t see how her comment could have been interpreted as anything else really. I never said anything about beer or meat, and of course I don’t expect her to research me; I just don’t expect to be called out for not being able to eat salad. It was such a harmless comment on my part that I never expected such a backlash.
My response was meant to be tough though, and that is why it seemed catty. That is how I respond to attacks like that. Alluding to her not reading, etc — that is my writing style and I have been pretty consistent with being harsh in my own criticisms on my own blog. It’s kind of like, “ignorantly say what you want about me at your own risk.” She could have avoided that by not leaving the comment, or taking 2 minutes to click through to my own blog. She provided me with the spark to write my post, and I don’t see anything hypocritical about it. I am not attacking her pain, I am attacking her comment.
I truly don’t see how she could have meant her comment any other way though.
Thanks again — I do appreciate you writing such a thoughtful comment!
Chanelle
May 10, 2011 at 2:49 pm (14 years ago)Oh I TOTALLY agree about ridiculing other’s pain. It’s unacceptable. And again, I didn’t look at the original comment in the context of the conversation. I probably should have done that and I’m sure I would agree with you. And yeah, her comment was disproportionate to yours for sure.
And let me be clear, I have NO problem with catty, especially when it is deserved, believe me. I am often at the root of many a facebook scuffle because I shoot straight from the hip and it often comes off super bitchy (sometimes I mean it to sound super bitchy and sometimes I don’t). So I am by no means calling you a hypocrite either. I understand someone saying something and getting that spark and again, you handled it better in a blog post than I would because if someone commented on my diseases that I’ve been through, I’d b ALL over them.
I guess I was just on the side of the person who doesn’t know your personality (which I feel like I KIND OF know from talking directly to you) because when you don’t read Cat’s comment in context, knowing that you have been in such pain, it can look like a relatively harmless comment about enjoying beer, meat and bread, but it’s obviously more than that.
Thank you for responding and know that I keep you in my thoughts as you struggle with pain. I and a lot of people I know have conditions that we bear every day and you seem to be doing a great job of balancing it all while keeping your sanity… I question if I’m doing such a good job sometimes!
Best to you
🙂
Ellie
May 16, 2011 at 4:33 am (14 years ago)Sorry to reply so late but I thought this was interesting, also I agree with Chanelle. I think the “Cat” comment was dumb, but to be perfectly honest, I don’t think that your comment that she replied to makes a lot of sense unless someone is familiar with you and your blog. (For example, in addition to being an avid fan of your blog, I have suffered a lot from IBS in the past and can relate to the idea of raw vegetables making your stomach hurt, but I’m pretty sure that this idea of salad=pain is completely obscure to the average person.) It seems like your comment was exclusively to Melissa and your readers, who knew what you were talking about. “Cat” clearly didn’t. I agree that her comment sounds a bit self-righteous and judgmental, but it also seems pretty minor. I know that it would be awful to be ridiculed for being in pain, but this just doesn’t seem like that to me – it just seems obvious to me that she didn’t understand what you meant.
Dori
May 16, 2011 at 7:47 am (14 years ago)Ellie,
Thank you for commenting!
That is actually exactly my point — Cat doesn’t know my situation, so there was just no need to make fun of me. I would never make fun of anyone who said something made them hurt because of the fact that I don’t know their situation. Making fun of me in the comments — regardless of the topic — is uncalled for, and the fact that it was in reference to something I said causes pain just makes it that much worse.
Her understanding of anything is irrelevant to the fact that she didn’t like something I said and felt the need to be snarky. But the comment would have made LESS sense if she had read my blog. I was annoyed specifically because someone unaware of another’s situation has no right to make fun.
Hope this clarifies!
Jess
May 10, 2011 at 2:24 pm (14 years ago)Seriously. I swear some bloggers/commenters are just in it to create dissent and anger on other people’s blogs, just to see what kind of rise they can create. Ridiculous. I’m glad you stuck up for yourself, I sure as hell would have, too.
Aj
May 10, 2011 at 3:48 pm (14 years ago)Ugh! I have a thin skin too…more so on the internet! I don’t know why but a stranger being rude is so much worse.
A life without salad for me would be miserable – I know how much pain that causes you and I cannot even imagine how tough it is. I think especially as women it’s tough because although we’re told not to diet, a woman eating a large meal (or ordering dessert!) or shunning “diet” foods (whether salad is diet food, is debatable…especially salads at like McDonald’s) gives others license to criticize. Can’t we all, as women, agree to not criticize each other’s bodies or food choices?
Does thin skin, like fair skin, mean you can’t run a marathon? HA!
Amber
May 10, 2011 at 8:10 pm (14 years ago)I’m giggling at AJ’s last sentence…and the fact that her picture shows up when you like this post on Facebook.
But really, good for you for sticking up for yourself. I have thin skin too, but I would have probably just run away and hid and never commented again.
Jolene
May 12, 2011 at 1:21 pm (14 years ago)it is so easy for people to misread comments or just be jerks and trying to start some drama. I don’t blame you for being upset, because you were misunderstood, completely. It’s frustrating when it happens, and hopefully it won’t happen too many more times to you!
kate
May 12, 2011 at 4:06 pm (14 years ago)Sorry you had an unpleasant comment encounter! People are so quick to attack in the comments! Do your thing and whatever you do, dont let it stop you from contributing on other peoples blogs!
J
May 19, 2011 at 11:07 am (14 years ago)I never understand why people get nasty in comments. If she truly thought you meant you don’t eat salad and only eat junk (and who knows why she would come to that conclusion), then she could’ve offered her opinion to you in a non-hostile manner. Oh well, I think your response was very polite and appropriate. I write a blog about dating so very infrequently I get comments that kind of hurt my feelings- I don’t think they’re intended to be mean, but people often offer advice about what they think I should be doing or tell me how they feel I should’ve handled a situation. But I suppose that comes with the territory!
jenna k
May 20, 2011 at 9:47 am (14 years ago)that’s really annoying. i would have completely understood what you meant because, although i don’t have the issues you do, i have to be careful or what i eat upsets my stomach too. lettuce kills my stomach most of the time, so i totally understand where you were coming from. it’s so silly to think there’s someone out there in the blogging world that still thinks salad = vegetables. that’s clearly not true.
Gena
May 21, 2011 at 9:40 am (14 years ago)I’m glad I have a thick skin, because people pull out talons in the blog world all. the. time. For every animal rights post I write, I get at least a few haters. And this is why we have a “delete” button.
Sorry the whole thing irked you, but remember that the readers whose high opinion you want are never the readers who jump to conclusions 🙂
See you Sunday, sweetheart.
diana@mymarblerye
May 23, 2011 at 10:58 am (14 years ago)that’s when i get in trouble…I sound sarcastic when I leave comments too and I often give the impression that i’m being a smart ass to the writer when i’m not!! maybe Cat didn’t mean to offend you especially since she reads Melissa’s blog…which means she has to have the same sense of humor!