Inflatable punching bag, anyone?
Something else that annoys me in the subway. You are at the top of the stairs and people are coming up the escalator/stairs next to you, meaning they just exited the train that you hope to enter. But you are at the TOP of the stairs. These people are nearing the TOP of the escalator. You start running, risking sweat and breathlessness and fatigue. WHY??
So you can try to get on the same train these people got off. Here’s some news for you: You’re not gonna make it! Why bother? Why exert all your energy and dart down the stairs at high speed to make a train whose doors definitely already closed! If the people are nearing the top of the escalator, you missed your chance.
And don’t you know that trains come every few minutes, more often during rush hour which is when I specifically witness this phenomenon? After a guy wearing a do-rag (must have been extra sweaty under there!) ran as fast as his little legs could take him down the stairs, I couldn’t help but notice he (obviously) missed the train. He seemed annoyed. About 4 seconds later another train pulled into the station. I walked down the stairs at a normal speed, knowing there was no way I would make that first train. We both got on the same train; him tired and worn out, me just fine. Was it worth it? To save 4 seconds of his time?
Must have been a very important 4 seconds that do-rag man can never get back.
Stand on the right!
A friend of mine that I’ll call “Greg” told me about an experience he had on an escalator. I became so outraged by this information, I had to share:
“At work, I was taking the escalator down to the cafeteria and two ladies were standing side by side. So I asked one of them very nicely to let me pass (’Excuse me, can i pass?’). She doesn’t step to the right, but instead moves slightly to the left so I can push my way in between. As I’m walking away, she says, ‘You know, you could always take the stairs. That is an option’. I looked back, shocked that my request elicited such a venomous response. I turned around and almost said ‘If anyone need to take the stairs it would be you and your friend . . . you can use the exercise,’ but instead I said “Thanks for the advice.’ Unreal!”
My comments: WTF??!! Of course Greg can take the stairs, but the part of the beauty of the escalator is that it allows you to get from one place to another quickly! And as most everyone knows, the general rule of thumb on escalators is “stand on the right.” In London they even have signs! There is no rule saying “Escalators for standing only.” That is ridiculous. The women are in the wrong here for not knowing the rule. And for being bitches.
How to Walk in The City 102
I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile now, and Randy recently tackled the same topic, so I figured I might as well get my anger out.
1. To walk, place one foot in front of the other. Repeat with opposite foot. Continue with this pattern until you reach your desired destination. Remember, KEEP MOVING. Just walk! Why can’t you walk?
2. If you need to stop in the middle of the sidewalk, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. The edge of the sidewalk closest to buildings is a good spot, as is near a tree on the street side. Do not, I repeat, do not simply cease moving mid-sidewalk.
3. When walking under a scaffold, close your umbrella. There is no need for others to have to duck around you and try not to get hit. The rain will not touch you with a protective shield above your head.
4. When you are carrying a closed, very large umbrella, do not hold it horizontally and swing your arm back and forth as you walk. Your umbrella will kill someone. Stop being so fucking inconsiderate. There is no need to swing. I promise.
5. If I am walking straight and you are diagnally behind me and you decide you need to get to the other side of me to get wherever you are going, do not walk into me. Why not just turn left or right behind me or in front of me? Why walk INTO me?!
5a. If you are coming at me from a 90 degree angle, again, no need to walk INTO me. No need at all.
6. If you are walking with your friend, don’t leave a space between you that no one can fit through when there is no room to pass on either side. Give me a chance to get past! Especially when you and your friends decide to walk extra slow.
7. If you are a slow walker, walk on the side so those who don’t have all the time in the world can get past you.
8. When the walking light is blinking, DO NOT STOP as soon as you get to the crosswalk. I am walking right behind you and I want to make the light! Again, it must be nice to have so much free time and nowhere to be, but you must be considerate of those who aren’t as fortunate.
9. The subway escalator series:
- If you want to stand, STAND ON THE RIGHT. The left is for people who walk.
- If you are running down the escalator (on the left side) because a train is at the bottom, do not suddenly stop when you realize it isn’t your train. I’m running right behind you, and it might be my train, inconsiderate douchebag.
- When you walk toward the escalator and reach the entrance, it is not the time to stop, open your bag, look for whatever it is you are looking for, put away your metro card, etc. I am behind you and am trying to get on the escalator. I do not want to miss a train because you chose the worst place ever to stop.
10. When you swipe your MetroCard and get a message on the screen that you don’t have enough money on your card (Insufficient Funds), do not keep swiping. Do you think the money will suddenly appear on your card if you swipe repeatedly and hold up everyone waiting behind you? No, you idiot. The message means you have to put money on your card! STOP SWIPING.
11. After you swipe your card and the message reads “GO”, go! Now you hesitated because you’re a tourist, you lost the trip you paid for, and you are too stupid to realize it. You try to push through too late and you can’t get past. You don’t understand why and you start swiping again repeatedly, once again holding up the line. What the fuck do you think “go” means you jackass??
12. When you are with a very large group of friends on the sidewalk and I am trying to get by, move out of the way. Very simple concept. You and your group are creating a swarm in the middle of the sidewalk and there is no way for me to get past. Clear a path.
13. Do not walk on the back of my shoe.
14. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, DON’T WALK INTO ME.
15. Stop swerving. You’re not a drunk driver. I was walking straight and now you’re blocking my way.
16. WALK!!!!!
That concludes How to Walk in the City 102. I know I didn’t cover it all, and I will have much more to teach you in How to Walk in the City 103.
Movies that make me crave pizza
Monday May 19th 2008, 10:27 am
Filed under:
FoodWhenever I see characters on TV shows eating Chinese food from cartons using chopsticks, I feel an intense craving for some Chinese food myself.
It also works with pizza. The pizza scenes in the following movies make me crave pizza big time:
1. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
When the pizza box falls to the ground and looks oh so moist, I feel a strong desire for pizza
2. Home Alone
How can you not feel a super strong need for pizza when 12 boxes arrive at the McCallister home and all the kids DEVOUR delicious looking pies. Who cares that there’s no plain left for Kevin, I want any pizza I can get!
3. Teenage Mutant Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
‘Nuff said.
And the D-Sam award goes to…
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/050108dnmetbillion.b623795f.html
Dumbest guy ever!
My comments:
1. $360 BILLION? Really?? You want to try and cash a check for more money than the United States itself has as a whole. Okay. (exaggeration to prove point)
2. Do you even realize how much money a billion actually is? Much less 360 of them? Why not try cashing fake checks at, let’s say, $1,000 and working our way up from there? Oh, because $360,000,000,000 is exactly what one needs to start up a music company. I forgot.
3. “…and when the bank contacted the check owner, the woman said she did not write a check for $360 billion.”
Didn’t she now?
4. “Mr. Fuller was also accused of unlawful carrying of a weapon and possession of marijuana.”
Exactly what one takes along when trying to cash a multi-billion dollar check. It’s the perfect crime!
5. $360,000,000,000!!!!!
How to tell if my neighbors are raptors
Sorry I’ve been MIA for a really, really long time. Sorry that the last thing I left for you was a picture of ducks. Don’t judge me.
In the meantime, check out www.MarcZawel.com for an 80 day travel adventure by the best writer I personally know — and now best photographer as well!
And for those who are a bit more lude, might I suggest the Ranman’s new, yet consistently updated blag? http://ranmon.wordpress.com/
Thx,
dm
(trying out the initial thing. i think it makes me seem cooler)
The language of the computers
I am the proudest big sister of all time. My brilliant little brother is publicly recognized for the computer genius he is. Listen to him sharing his expertise on a podcast (he starts at about 38 minutes and goes through the end): http://www.dotnetrocks.com/default.aspx?showNum=316.
Matt Matt discusses MSDN Code Gallery and his time as a baby intern at Microsoft. He is mucho funnies.
And as if I couldn’t possibly be prouder, the top blogger at Microsoft wrote about my boy! Read this short and very sweet entry right here: http://blogs.msdn.com/saraford/archive/2008/02/20/matt-my-dev-on-dotnetrocks.aspx
If you ever want to read more about Matt’s work and computer interests, read his blog. It’s really interesting and extremely helpful to web developers: http://blogs.msdn.com/matt/
Here is a picture of the cute one:
I tried to spend $90 on oatmeal
Thursday February 07th 2008, 4:49 pm
Filed under:
FoodIt’s true. I did. And I’m waiting to find out how close I’ve come to succeeding.
Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal in Regular Flavor has always been a little hard to find. My Food Emporium doesn’t carry it and neither do most of the stores around me. I have seen it occasionally at a Gristedes and other places, but it is generally not where I need it to be.
One place that always had the oatmeal, however, is Key Food across the street from my mom’s apartment. That was ironic since Key Food usually has NOTHING. So when I went home awhile ago I got all 6 boxes from the shelf. I have been home a few times since, but I haven’t bothered to get more since I had enough for the time being and figured I could always get more.
I was wrong.
When my friend Melissa ran out of her Smart Balance, she tried to buy some more. After visiting 5 grocery stores and calling 6 more, she had yet to find a single one with the oatmeal. Some of them did carry Smart Balance, but the flavored versions. Melissa told me she thinks the oatmeal we love is gone forever.
I refused to believe that. Not only does Key Food by my mom ALWAYS have it, but I’ve seen the oatmeal in other stores as well, including Gristedes. I told her there is no way, and she should call my Key Food. She called — and what they told her was shocking.
All Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal has been discontinued.
There is no more oatmeal! If I had known I would have been stocking up at every store that I’ve seen it at, including getting every box Key Food had every time I was home. Regular as well as variety pack, since those have 2 bags of regular flavor in each box.
You don’t understand. As I am writing this, I can tell you don’t. You have no idea why I am making such a big deal out of oatmeal. Let me explain to you: Smart Balance oatmeal is my crack.
Every morning, I experience what Dinosaur Comics refers to as “breakfast pleasure.” As I eat my Smart Balance oatmeal (and I have tried MANY other brands, and none even come close to doing this for me), all I can think about is just how DELICIOUS it is. Every bite is perfection. The texture and the taste and everything about this oatmeal is just heaven. As I get to the end of the oatmeal, I scrape the edges of my styrofoam cup (that’s what we have here, so it’s what I use) with my spoon to get every last morsel. My mind is literally a series of “mmmmmmmms” while I am eating this. I get really sad when I finish eating the oatmeal, because I wish it would go on forever.
This might seem sick to you. Well, kids, get ready for sicker: as I am eating it, so is Melissa and we are IMing each other back and forth about how amazing Smart Balance oatmeal is. Every single day. We have had lengthy in-depth conversations about the superiority of Smart Balance oatmeal to other brands, and we both feel extreme breakfast pleasure as we eat it. Our only wish is that each packet had even more oatmeal in it so we can extend our breakfast pleasure longer each day.
Smart Balance oatmeal is the one thing I look forward to every single day. When I go to sleep at night, I am excited to know it will be there for me the next morning. All morning before I get to work, I am excited and eager to start eating it!
So when we found out Smart Balance oatmeal is gone, we did what any of you would do. We searched the internet. We found one website that has our beloved product, and promptly ordered 20 boxes each. That is how I spent $90 on oatmeal.
But it wasn’t over yet. I needed to know exactly how many boxes of oatmeal this website has left. Melissa and I would most likely buy them all (once you spend $90, what’s a little — or a lot — more?). I called the website and spoke to someone. They weren’t aware that the oatmeal had been discontinued. They told me they would call me back when they knew how much they can get for us.
Later that day, all Smart Balance oatmeal was removed from Kosher.com.
And of course, I sent an email to Smart Balance about this decision. Melissa emailed them a few days before me, and they responded with outdated coupons — they even say “buy our new oatmeal!”
I called Kosher.com again to see about their progress. They confirmed that the oatmeal was indeed discontinued and they were in the process of finding out how much of my order they could fill. They told me to call on Friday (Feb 8th) to check in. I will do so.
I went to Gristedes by my office, and there was ONE box of the variety pack left. I eagerly bought it, removed the regular flavor, and gave the rest to my coworker Phoebe — She is the best!!!
I plan to stop in all grocery stores I go by to check for more remnants of my happiness…
I called Smart Balance today to ask about their decision to pull the most delicious oatmeal of all time. The woman I spoke to said it was a business decision to no longer make cereal. When I asked her if it was possible to purchase any remaining boxes, she said no.
Of course, with the knowledge that we will soon be permanently without our main source of happiness and our only source of breakfast pleasure, Melissa and I set out on a search to find a new oatmeal that comes as close as possible to our beloved. So far we have both been extremely disappointed with what we’ve tried, but we plan to look far and wide. A big issue is that other brands who have Smart Balance’s health benefits — namely flax and omega 3 — all have added sugar. Why a product that tries to be healthy would ruin it with adding sugar is beyond me. Our only requirement when purchasing replacement options is that it have 0g of sugar — or if it were to have sugar, to only come from natural sources (ie, fruit). Please feel free to provide any suggestions.
So kids, if you happen to see my oatmeal in a grocery store, it is most likely one of the last boxes they have left. Please pick it up and give it to me. I will thank you greatly. I will do something amazing for you. I promise.
And if you came across this blog in a search for Smart Balance oatmeal because you too were curious as to where it suddenly went, please comment and tell me! For some extremely strange reason, Smart Balance oatmeal has practically NO presence on the internet! So hopefully this blog will show up in your searches and shed some light on the situation — and let you know you’re not alone!
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UPDATE: Kosher.com was unable to locate any boxes of Smart Balance Oatmeal in Regular flavor. They do have variety packs (which I decided against). I searched a few grocery stores to find only variety and maple & brown sugar. So again, if you find any regular boxes, please get them for me!! Melissa’s mom just found 3 boxes for her. There might be more out there.
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FURTHER UPDATE: After conducting taste tests of about 8 brands of oatmeal between Melissa and myself, I have determined that Nature’s Path Organic is by far the best replacement for Smart Balance. From now on, Nature’s Path Organic Oatmeal is my work breakfast of choice. Nature’s Path is delicious! AND there is much more oatmeal in the packet, so it is more filling. Don’t be scared by the calorie count, it’s just because there is simply more oatmeal to eat!
Brands we have tried that did not make the cut:
Arrowhead Mills
Quaker
Quaker Organic
Uncle Sam’s
Country Choice Organic
McCann’s Irish Oatmeal
Erewhon (not that bad, but not as good as Nature’s Path)
Private Selection Organic (thanks, Diane!)
