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Starring Bethenny Frankel as Bethenny Franked and Bethany Frankell

On Friday, Missy and I went over to Melanie’s apartment to do something we had planned for months: Watch our beloved Bethenny Frankel in a 1994 movie she starred in. We had read on the interweb that Bethenny plays a topless serial killer. There was no doubt in our minds; we needed to see this movie.

Some background information: In August, 2007, I went on a birthright trip to Israel. For those of you not familiar with this program, it is a free 10-day trip to Israel for people age 18-26. The requirement? You must have at least one Jewish parent, and you cannot have participated in an organized trip to Israel already. Two friends and I signed up to go together and after being on a wait list (we might have been a little late in our planning efforts) got on a trip that August.

When you go away with two friends and the rooms are two to a room, someone is going to be left out. I tend to be a bit of a loner, so I was happy to venture out on my own. As a result, Melanie and I roomed together a few times. We spent a lot of time together during activities and even rode a camel together:

camelmelanie_camel

For some strange reason I cannot fathom, Melanie wore a top hat.

I didn’t talk to Missy throughout most of the trip, but for some reason we took a picture together during our night out at the club. I didn’t even know who it was with me in this picture until my friend told me it was Missy!

missy_dori-club

Looks like we are having a lot of fun! We still didn’t really talk though. We had nothing against each other; we even ate our meals at the same tables! But for some reason, we never really had a conversation. Towards the end of the trip, we randomly sat together for a feast in a Beduoin tent:

tent-food

And then by chance we somehow we ended up hiking Masada together! The two of us stayed together the entire time. That was the first time we really talked.

This is Missy and I with our backs to the camera, taking a picture at the top of Masada. I’m the one with the backpack.

masada

At the bottom of Masada with Melanie:

camel-masada

On the plane ride back, once I woke up from my 6 hours of being completely passed out, we all sat together and chatted and laughed and I really felt like I had made some friends.

After we got back from the trip — and I don’t even know how this happened — Missy, Melanie and I started going out religiously. I believe that Melanie and I talked online and she gave me Missy’s screen name. Then Missy and I began talking online all the time while I was at my old job. On a Friday night — the night of my worst day at work ever (more on that another time!) the three of us met at Melanie’s apartment for a night out.

The following week, I quit my job. I had a glorious couple of weeks off before my next job began. During that time, Missy and I went out for drinks almost every night! We got extremely close at that point. On weekends, the three of us would often meet at Melanie’s apartment before going out. We always had the most outrageously fun nights out together. I was thrilled to finally have what I had wanted — a group of girlfriends in the city.

dori_melissa_melanie1

To backtrack a bit, the infection that caused my GI problems started in the airport before we left for Israel. I was actually quite sick my first few days there, but recovered. However, my permanent problems also slowly began to show themselves at this point. Throughout the following months, my illness progressed. While I had a fantastic time going out with my new friends, I was aware that my body was not the same. I remember one night in the shower looking at my stomach and gasping — it looked completely distorted. It wasn’t flat; it wasn’t round. It was bumpy and strange shaped. That night I got dressed in loose fitting clothers and managed to get out.

As time went on, I stopped fitting into my jeans. The first to go were my “going out” jeans — the tightest of the bunch. Soon, even my “fat” jeans no longer  fit. I was not eating any more than usual. Then I started feeling uncomfortable and increasingly lethargic. Missy and I went to Melanie’s birthday party in November, 2007. I remember having to wear leggings because nothing else fit. That was the last time I went out with my friends.

After that weekend, I simply could not make it out. I could barely get out of bed on the weekends, I was so uncomfortable. Getting dressed and going out at night was simply not possible. I was in pain. I was large. The thought of being social was too much to bear. This was just three months after our trip. My time for going out with my friends was short-lived.

We still talked and every now and then saw each other, including my birthday and Missy’s. But it wasn’t the same as I just couldn’t do anything aside from go to work and lay in my bed, and the occasional dinner. At the same time I stopped going out (Nov 2007) I also had to stop working out. I first noticed a something was seriously wrong with my tummy while I was at the gym on the elliptical in October. Even though my problems began in August, they were gradual and not immediately noticeable. I had been sucking up the pain at the gym but it got to the point where  excercising was too painful to continue. At this time, I ceased all social activities and workouts.

Now, almost two years after that fateful Israel trip, I know how to better eat to control my symptoms. While I still can’t go out at night to bars or stay out late, I can definitely see my friends in a relaxed setting. Due to my illness, Melanie’s random illnesses and our busy schedules, the three of us hadn’t gotten together just us in FOREVER. The Spin-A-Thon was the first time I even saw Melanie in about 6 months! So when Melanie ordered Hollywood Hills, 90028 we knew it was the perfect excuse to get together, eat sushi and Holey Donuts and oggle a 23-year-old Bethenny. Just the three of us. The way it used to be.

Before I get into my movie recap, I just want to say how wonderfully refreshing it was for us to all hang out together like this! We are alike in so many ways and we know so much about each other that everything just fits when we are together. I look forward to more time with my friends. Of course, that is contingent upon how I am feeling at any given time…

HOLLYWOOD HILLS, 90028

And now, the movie. When we first heard the dialogue, we couldn’t figure out if it was real; meaning, was this movie written seriously or was it written as a joke? It is hard to believe it was real, but I had not heard of it being a spoof. I honestly don’t know. When Bethenny was saying her outrageous lines, did she think she was in a real movie?? I would love to know. As I had no idea this movie would have this hilarious dialogue, I didn’t write any of it down. I would like to watch it again with pen and paper in hand, as I believe you would all get a kick out of it. Furthermore, the movie looked like a bootleg. The filming was shaky and not at all steady.

Bethenny’s face was fuller back then. I saw some expressions that I still see her make. But what we really wanted to see were her boobies. We were wondering if this movie was pre- or post-boob job. The answer? See for yourself.

The movie itself really was ridiculous. I’m going to give a recap, which really won’t ruin anything for you should you choose to see it. As Bethenny says, “trust.” Bethenny plays the new girl in school, who “falls in love” with a dorky boy who is part of a group of “cool” kids. When she finds out that the summer school teacher will give the boy a bad grade, she kills him with his gardening tools. Only at this point, you don’t see that it is Bethenny. As if it were a secret who the killer was.

The students are told only that their teacher died in his sleep. Then, when Bethenny is hanging out with her new friends, she mentions that her parents died in “a mysterious gardening accident.” No one questions this.

Bethenny and her new girl friend are laying out to get some sun and Bethenny takes her brarawf. Okay, her bikini top. That is when she reveals her topless self for the first time. Bethenny tries to convince the other girl to take her top off too and the girl refuses. Eventually, Bethenny tries to kiss her. The girl freaks out and becomes the first person to suspect that something is off about Bethenny.

When Bethenny’s dorky boyfriend (after a gratuitious sex scene that added no value to the movie whatsoever — but allowed for more Bethenny bosom time) mentions that one of the guys in their group used to be mean to him in the locker rooms in junior high, Bethenny shoots him in his man place. She goes on to kill her boyfriend’s father and best friend. “We can’t tell the police that I killed Keith and drove Dan to accidental suicide!” Real line.

So basically, the plot is that Bethenny kills everyone that gets in the way of what she wants. The girl who was her friend found her journal where she conveniently wrote all about her murders.

You know the movie is the real deal when the star’s name is spelling incorrectly in not one but TWO places.

On the back of the box, Bethenny Franked:

bethenny-004

In the credits, Bethany Frankell:

bethenny-005

You can’t make this stuff up. I am truly curious as to what Bethenny thinks about this movie now. I would really love to know!

TUMMY UPDATE

Since I mentioned my GI problems a bit in this post, I’ll provide an update now on what is going on. As I mentioned, I went to see a new GI on Friday. My current one recommended I see him, as he sees more patients with conditions like mine. I brought him all my test reports to date as well as a six page description of what I have gone through. We talked in his office for awhile and then he examined me. We went back to his office to discuss further.

Basically, it is not likely I will get better. It is also not likely medication will ever help, as I have tried it all with no success. There are two more tests I will do; the real reason is to officially rule every possible thing out, even things we have already ruled out from previous tests. This way, we can be sure we ruled out every possible cause for my problems.  Once those tests are finished, the last option is surgery.

Here’s the thing about the surgery — it is major. There is no turning back. There is no guarantee I will feel better after. Additionally, it is a personal choice. I can survive without it, but it is a matter of my quality of life. The good news is that they can do it laporoscopically, so no major scarring and shorter recovery time.

The doctor told me that should I opt for surgery, it should be at my absolute breaking point. The point where I decide I simply cannot live like this anymore. The point where I need to end my suffering for my life to resume normally. The personal choice comes in here — what is that breaking point for me? When will that be? I still can’t believe that what seemed to be a simple “problem digesting food” as I told my very first GI doc has turned into this. I can’t really understand the path it took to get here.

I will wait as long as possible if it comes to this. Once this surgey is compelte, there is simply no turning back. I have fears on both sides:

Fear – I have the surgery, and a year later a new medication comes out that would have been my answer. That would have made me better, without surgery.

Fear – I don’t have the surgery, and I wake up on my wedding day with the excrutiating spasming pain that is common for me. There are no medicines that have ever helped this pain for me; the medicines I do have make me fall asleep.

Fear – I have the surgery and feel much better. A year later (as the doctor told me has happened to others) my old symptoms return. It was all for nothing.

Fear – I don’t have the surgery and spend my entire life wondering what would have been if I did.

Fear – I have the surgery and spend my entire life wondering what would have been if I didn’t.

And on, and on, and on. Obviously there is a lot to think about and this isn’t a decision to be taken lightly. But first I will go through the final tests (one which will be AWFUL and I am dreading, the other which will be time consuming) and see what happens there. If it comes to the point (as the doctors suspect it will)  that my only option is surgery, I will visit more doctors for more opinions. I will speak to people who have gone through the surgery to hear their experiences. I will do everything possible to make sure I know as much as there is to know. And then I will wait for my breaking point. While I wait, I will do my best to eat the foods that don’t bother me, to get out and enjoy the city as much as I can and to remain upbeat despite the situation.

In happier news, tonight I will try Kinespirit (thanks to Melissa) and report back tomorrow. Also coming this week: a surprise popchip delivery, PETA’s Vegan College Cookbook review and another class at the Nalini Method! I also have more to post about the doormat situation!

P.S. I loved my Holey Donuts on Friday night. Try to win yours here. Or here.

Holey Donuts

Mallories says: this post wins the award for most people involved and most effort!

Hooch is crazy.

Knee Problem Diagnosed; Next Steps in Eksusize

This morning I went to see my othopedist to hear the results of my MRI and determine what to do going forward. The worst case scenario, according to the doctor, was a tear. The worst case scenario, according to me, was that the MRI would show a perfectly normal, happy knee with no injuries.

Some of you might think I am nuts, but I am sure some of you understand. I want there to be an explanation for my pain. I have had so many tests over the last couple of years with my stomach and all, and the ones that never failed to get me down are the ones that showed nothing was wrong. If nothing is wrong, there is nothing definitive you can do to help. It might not even be real!

And today I received information that avoided the worst case scenarios of both the doctor and myself. The MRI showed no tear (sigh of relief) AND it showed that there is, in fact, something wrong with my knee. I have pes anserine bursitis and intra-articular ganglion. My pain is explained.

According to eorthopod.com, “bursitis of the knee occurs when constant friction on the bursa causes inflammation. The bursa is a small sac that cushions the bone from tendons that rub over the bone. Bursae can also protect other tendons as tissues glide over one another. Bursae can become inflamed and irritated causing pain and tenderness.”

And from med.umich.edu, “the pes anserine bursa is located on the inner side of the knee just below the knee joint. Tendons of three muscles attach to the shin bone (tibia) over this bursa. These muscles act to bend the knee, bring the knees together, and cross the legs.”

How did I get bursitis? From all the eksusize I have been doing over the last few months. I used to exercise regularly on the elliptical. About 6 months ago I decided to get into running, and started jogging on the treadmill. I had hated spin the few times I’d done it, until the 3 day MLK weekend the boy came to my gym with me and we did a spin class every day.  I wore my HRM to spin for the first time and learned to pace myself. After that, I was hooked.

Three spin classes in three days went from being this huge accomplishment to no big deal, as I started spinning 4 or 5 days a week. There was even a day I went twice. Sometimes I would spin in the evening after work and wake up early the next morning to spin again. I had fun, I loved it. I began to look forward to the familiar music each teacher played. I enjoyed each instructor’s style as they each differed from each other. I knew that on Mondays, I’d get some jumps and a high heart rate. Tuesdays were endurance days; the instructor would push me — and make me actually WANT — to push as hard as I could at a high resistance in the sitting position for minutes at a time. Wednesdays were fun as the instructor did a wonderful combination of standing and sitting climbs and would section the class off into groups for standing sprints, one at a time. Thursdays were chill but challenging, as that instructor played more rock music — which I loved and truly looked forward to.

I even became familiar with other instructors who I got to take every now and again or who subbed for one of my own. They, too, each had something wonderful to bring to the table stationary bike. For example, there is one who has an amazing and inspiring story that I had absolutely no idea about during her classes. She’s the most upbeat, happy and lively instructor I have ever seen and makes class fun and different with lots of 4 beat jumps and turns. Or another instructor who is the only one to ever get my “calories burned” on my HRM to hit 500 during a 45 minute class.

The point is, I loved spin. I loved the variations between each class. I did it often. Additionally, I began treadmill running — but too much too fast, as I was doing Carrots ‘N’ Cake’s 30 minute and 45 minute treadmill runs after only a couple weeks of easing myself into it. I was working out all the time for months.

Looking back, I guess it is no big mystery why my knee became inflamed. I’ve had the pain on the outside of my left knee for many years now, so I understand and expect that one to come and go. But I was experiencing a new pain during spin and running and generally all the time. A new, bad pain. And I’ve mentioned that the upper outside part of my right thigh always hurts so badly when I run outside — in fact, it started literally 2 minutes into my first outdoor run ever — well, guess what the doctor said? That is the exact location of a bursa. I most likely have bursitis in my upper right thigh as well. 

Pes Anserine Bursitis

So what do I do for this?

I take Naproxen twice a day for ten days. I ice my knee twice a day. I go tp Physical Therapy twice a week for a month, possibly more. And, I cut back on exercise. That is like fingernails on chalk to my ears. The doctor told me, “If you usually spin for an hour, cut it bacm to 20 or 30 minutes.” Now, I know me. In fact, me was in spin class just two days ago. And when the pain started happening, and became increasingly worse as I  felt it both above and below my knee, shooting down my leg — guess who DIDN’T leave the class? That’s right. Me.

The way I see it, I pay a lot of money for my gym membership (I go to a very fancy gym). I want to get the most out of that money — and my workouts — as possible. And since I know me so well, I knew what I had to do.

I told the doctor that with what I pay for the gym (and as soon as I told him what I pay, he knew exactly which gym I was talking about!) and said that I would not be cutting back if I am paying this much. The only option of sparing my knee further pain is to put a hold on my membership. He understood and wrote me a note. Different from the fake doctor’s note I wrote in high school to get out of dance for a week.

Doctor's note

I have the note. I have the form the gym emailed me. The only thing stopping me from faxing it is my reluctance to give up something I have actually — surprisingly — grown to love. And of course, the girly girl that I am, I am concerned about gaining weight. I was spinning, and burning, a lot. Now what?

(1) Warm weather is approaching in NYC. That means a lot more walking (knee sleeves on, of course). If pain starts, I can always hop in a cab, on a subway or on a bus.

(2) The boy’s apartment building has a gym. I can always take it easy there by doing the elliptical lightly (knee sleeve on, stop if I feel pain) as well as any weight machines that don’t make my knees bend. Luckily, the boy recently taught me how to use these.

(3) I am strongly considering joining Exhale for a month of Core Fusion. As you know, I was already toying with the idea of trying it out for a month to see what kind of effect it has. This is my chance. The downside? Other than the price tag, there are some plies and balancing on one bent leg in Core Fusion and lunges in Core Fusion Sport. The upside? There are ways around these moves to avoid stress on the knee — and the instructors are always happy to help you with these as they want you to get the most out of the class in the safest way.

And of course, I will wear my knee sleeves and stop any move that causes pain. I have never felt any pain during or after these classes before, so I am optimistic. Also, the entire point of Physical Therapy is to stretch and strengthen the muscles around my knee. These classes specifically stretch and strengthen the hamstrings and quads.

Why Exhale over Physique 57 or The Body? Two main factors — the location is better for me and I prefer the large classroom and spacious locker and changing facilities at Exhale. My experiences there have been wonderful — and the boy is likely to come with me to Core Fusion Sport.

However, I haven’t faxed the note yet. I feel some anxiety about actually doing this. Once I send, there is no turning back for a month. I need a push. Someone push me. Tell me it’s okay.

Push me

Here is some further information on Bursitis, from the sites mentioned above.

What causes the problem?
Overuse of the hamstrings, especially in athletes with tight hamstrings is a common cause of goosefoot. Runners are affected most often. Improper training, sudden increases in distance run, and running up hills can contribute to this condition.

How long will the effects last?
Pain from pes anserine bursitis usually goes away within a few weeks. You need to stop doing the activities that cause pain until your knee has healed. If you continue doing activities that cause pain, your symptoms will return and it will take longer to recover. (If I feel any pain during a move in Core Fusion, I will stop doing that move)

I bought this and used it for the first time yesterday:

Cold therapy wrap

As far as intra-articular ganglion, that is a fluid collection in my knee joint. Don’t know why it happens, but it certainly can contribute to my pain.

In four weeks, I will return to my orthopedist so we can review how I am doing. If I am still not better, he can give me a cortisone injection. We will take it from there.

Also, the doctor said that my shoulder should have healed by now after my bone marrow edema diagnosis months ago. He said that if it still hurts when I see him next month, I will get a second MRI of the shoulder.

Birds
Off topic, but has anyone else noticed that birds no longer have a fear of humans? Over the past week, birds have flown so close to my head and face that I felt it, and walked right up to my feet. What’s with that!

Fusha
You might remember the horrific experience the boy and I had at Fusha West a couple weeks ago. The other night the boy was out and I decided to take that opportunity to give them a second chance. I wanted to try one of the rolls I didn’t get last week but that sounded great to me. I couldn’t decide between two, so I ordered them both:

Golden Dragon
eel & avocado inside-out, wrapped in fresh mango & tobiko on top

Sweet Sensation
lobster salad & seaweed salad inside w. strawberry & wasabi mayo on top

They looked amazing, as you can see.

sushi

While the Golden Dragon was very good, the Sweet Sensation was gross. The strawberries were the only good part. The inside had a taste that was not at all like lobster, or even lobster mixed with mayo. It was a taste of something gone bad. Really bad. So gross. It came with pistachio ice cream colored wasabi mayo, which sadly didn’t help as that wasn’t as good as it sounds either. And while the Golden Dragon was good, it wasn’t amazing. It didn’t live up to its potential. The roll I got the last time I was there was much better. But I doubt I will eat there ever again. Big disappointment.

Coming Up
Tonight Missy and I try The Nalini Method! (I will go easy on my knee, I promise.) Tomorrow I see a new doctor who specializes in my specific problems for another opinion. My own GI recommended I see him. I am looking forward to hearing what he says. And tomorrow night, Missy, Melanie and I will gather to watch a topless Bethenny Frankel in Hollywood Hills, 90028. She’s popular. She’s a killer.

Hollywood Hills 90028

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