I hope I don’t get in trouble for this.
My friend forwarded me an email from a friend of a friend. It contained a text message conversation between a girl named Jana* and Michael,  a guy she went on one date with. According to the background information I was given, Michael was a seemingly normal, educated (I wish I knew where so I could advise you all not to send your children to that school) 30-year-old. Jana did not anticipate the barrage of strangely-spelled texts she would receive immediately after their very first  date.
Jana is a much nicer lady than I would have been. If there is one thing I can’t stand, it is stupidity with a lack of self-awareness. What really gets me about this is that Michael really seems to think the phrase is “tex message.” Tex. It’s not exactly a typo when he not only uses “tex” repeatedly, but he pluralizes it to “texs.”
THAT IS NUTS.
And honestly, there is no excuse for any 30-year-old man to use “lol” or emoticons in his text messages.
*Names have been changed to protect both the innocent and the stupid
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The date took place on a Sunday evening.
SUNDAY
11:12pm – Missed call from Michael
Michael (11:17pm) : was just callin to to say i had a nice night w. u. u seem very real.
DSB note: When trying to impress, use your grown-up words, kids. Even in text messages.
Michael (11:21pm): Don’t really know how u felt about seeing me again… don’t want to waste time… if i am not 4 u or whatever its all good just let me know..i don’t like getting my hopes up for no reason
DSB note: In my experience, it takes more work to get to the numbers section and type in “4” than it is to just write out “for.” Laziness is one thing. Stupidity is another.
Michael (11:31pm): Not trying to make things intence lol. i am just a brutally honest person on the way i feel and just want to know if u really do want to continue hangin in the future.
DSB note: College-educated people should know how to spell “intense.”
Michael (11:49pm): Haha you’re making me sweat out a responce lol, its all good either way just let me know:)
DSB note: And “response.”
Michael (11:56pm): All I ask for is honesty:)
Michael (12:09am): Passin out soon. don’t want to sound desperate for a responce w anymore texs…I am not going to texs you anymore..don’t know even know if u got my texs yet.
DSB note: texs texs texs texs
Michael (12:15am): If I don’t hear back from u then I guess it was nice hanging w u and wish u the best..any responce though wud be the right thing to do..i can handle rejection
Michael (12:21am): I’m a big boy lol
Michael (12:27am): And sorry for the rambling tex messages I am a rambler when i tex lol. will not tex u or call u anymore unless u tell and repsond u want to see me again
DSB note: If only he kept his word about texing…
MONDAY
Michael (8:18 am): Wow!! can’t believe u just ignored me and didn’t even give me answer if you want to see me again that all i asked!! Very rude and not nice. I treated u very well at dinner and even gave u a ride home
Michael (8:22 am): And to ignore me is so f*ckup
DSB note: So very f*ckup
Michael (8:26 am): I didn’t even care if I wasn’t for u. there’s a million in the sea but to ignore some is so childish
DSB note: Oh. IGNORING is what’s childish here.
Jana (8:27 am): Morning! Just got all these msgs! Not gonna lie – they’re kind of freaking me out…
Michael (8:28am): Ahhh, I thought u were just ignoring me cause I sent the when I got home.
Jana (8:30am): Ah. Nope. My phone was charging + I went to sleep early, food coma.
Michael (8:31am): Hahah. I am such an idiot ha
DSB note: Yep.
Michael (8:34am): I am sorry I just liked u and thought u were ignoring me!
Michael (8:35am): Yes I rambled w the text message cause I wanted to go to sleep knowing how u felt
Michael (8:36am): I had not been on a good date w a girl I liked in 4 ever. sorry i came off as intence w the texs i know
DSB note: Some very intence texs!
Jana (8:36am): I had a great time at dinner. But these msgs are kid of off putting, Gotta get ready for work now
Michael: (8:43am): I was very into you what can I say. i f*ckup w the tex messages and i am sorry.. i think we should still hang again. they were just tex messages lol. have a nice day at work…and don’t let a tex message be the determiner of u seeing me again
DSB note: Michael is right. A tex message lol should not be the determiner. But we are up to 18 tex messages lol now.
Michael (8:46am): If u don’t see me again it won’t be from the texts it will be because you not that into me at dinner…i know how these things work
DSB note: That is how these things work? Perhaps I should experiment with my own tex messages lol then. Boys, prepare yourselves!
Jana (8:50am): Thx. All the txting is a bit much. No one has ever sent me 40Â msgs like that. Can I just have a bit of space to process all of this.
Michael (8:57am): It wasn’t 40 lol your exaggerating it was like 7-10. Anyways u don’t have to process me. I am a great guy and got a little ocd with the texs. u should want to see me again.
DSB note: The tex message count is up to 20.
Michael (8:58am): And if u need to process seeing me based on 7 tex messages that i sent u only because i really liked u and wanted to know if we were on the same page then ovs your not 4 me.
DSB note: In addition to spelling, Michael needs to learn addition.
Michael (9:00am): I don’t want someone who loses interest over tex messages that were only meant last night in a good way cause i cared about knowing how u felt cause i didn’t want to get my hopes up for no reason
Michael (9:08am): Sorry for the drama but your obvs not for me if u need space to think about whether i am for u based on tex messages. take care be well it would have been great continuing to hang further as i feel like we had great chemistry together. best of luck.
DSB note: According to his theory, I doubt there are any girls that are obvs for him.
Jana (9:11am): Yes. To be totally forthright. the level of intensity is just too much for me so I guess I am not for you after all. regardless, had a nice time at dinner, take care and good luck to you as well:)
Michael (9:14am): Just be honest =) one last thing before we never speak again..did you really want to see me again before i sent you those text messages? or after the date you felt “nice guy but not really 4 me..” cause u don’t know how angry i am at myself for blowing it w u cause of tex messages…
Michael (9:18am): Cause i got the impression by ur energy when u got out of the cab that u weren’t that into me prob would have not seen me again even if i dint write you seven texs.
DSB Note: 25 texs.
Jana (9:19am): don’t be angry with yourself. you’re just doing you. just not the way i am used to communicating. have a good one Michael. be well. bye.
Michael (9:22am): yes, all i was asking about was did u really want to see me again after the date B4 the tex messages??? please just answer that question honestly that is all I ask of u.
Michael (9:24am): Just for my records so I will know how to behave differently the next time I take out a girl.
DSB note: How about stopping after one tex?
Jana (9:25am): Yes.
Michael (9:29am): Uchhhh. u don’t know how shitty i feel now that u say yes. the tex messages were rambled based on scardem and you’re wrong its not me to behave in that matter…
DSB note: At first I thought “scardem” meant “sarcasm” and I was confused. My friend explained to me that Michael is trying to use a word that would be better articulated as”scaredom” — also not a real word.
Michael (9:31am): I liked u so much and hadn’t like one person I went out with in 3 months…. when u didn’t respond i panicked and behaved in intence manner. i wish u could give me another chance and give me three strike rule like baseball…
Michael (9:35am): can u give me two more strikes or even one???? 🙂 I do have a heart you will miss out
Jana: (9:40am): I am sure you do. You are a nice guy. I just don’t think we are a good match. I will let you know if I change my mind. I really have to focus on work now though so please stop with the texts, thanks!
THURSDAY (she had told him on their Sunday date that she had book club on Wednesday night)
Michael (6:15 pm): Jaaanaaaa… hey sweet thang.. how was book club?
DSB note: OK seriously, what is wrong with him‽
Michael (6:20pm): Did you read any nice novels?
Michael (9:00 pm): Ok i c i am peaced. whatever nighty night.
Michael (9:16): I got other girls lined up anyways
DSB note: Good luck with that
FRIDAY
Michael (8:09 pm): hey wsup…
Michael (8:16 pm): ok bein shut down>>>later…your loss over a tex message lol
DSB note: 36 tex messages lol
Michael (8:27 pm): u will never find someone as good as me thats 4 sure…good luck
DSB note: Somehow, I doubt that
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Listen, boys. My girlfriends and I Gchat about our crappy dates and the ridiculous and absurd situations we find ourselves in. My friend Jackie and I have a little saying that goes something like this:
What is wrong with EVERYONE?!
That phrase applies perfectly to Michael. What is wrong with him? I wonder how he could have appeared normal to Jana at all during the date because idiocy at this level usually permeates all modes of conversation. But for whatever reason, she thought he was a regular non-moron.
This text exchange has made the rounds. Someone sent it to my friend, my friend sent it to me, I sent it to a few friends and the entire internet. Girls will talk.
If Michael happens upon the blog post, hopefully he will glean some insight. But I bet he won’t — some people just don’t get it. Michael is clearly one of those. lol.
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Read Texgate lol 2011: The Aftermath
