I tried to spend $90 on oatmeal

It’s true. I did. And I’m waiting to find out how close I’ve come to succeeding.

Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal in Regular Flavor has always been a little hard to find. My Food Emporium doesn’t carry it and neither do most of the stores around me. I have seen it occasionally at a Gristedes and other places, but it is generally not where I need it to be.

One place that always had the oatmeal, however, is Key Food across the street from my mom’s apartment. That was ironic since Key Food usually has NOTHING. So when I went home awhile ago I got all 6 boxes from the shelf. I have been home a few times since, but I haven’t bothered to get more since I had enough for the time being and figured I could always get more.

I was wrong.

When my friend Melissa ran out of her Smart Balance, she tried to buy some more. After visiting 5 grocery stores and calling 6 more, she had yet to find a single one with the oatmeal. Some of them did carry Smart Balance, but the flavored versions. Melissa told me she thinks the oatmeal we love is gone forever.

I refused to believe that. Not only does Key Food by my mom ALWAYS have it, but I’ve seen the oatmeal in other stores as well, including Gristedes. I told her there is no way, and she should call my Key Food. She called — and what they told her was shocking.

All Smart Balance Omega Oatmeal has been discontinued.

There is no more oatmeal! If I had known I would have been stocking up at every store that I’ve seen it at, including getting every box Key Food had every time I was home. Regular as well as variety pack, since those have 2 bags of regular flavor in each box.

You don’t understand. As I am writing this, I can tell you don’t. You have no idea why I am making such a big deal out of oatmeal. Let me explain to you: Smart Balance oatmeal is my crack.

Every morning, I experience what Dinosaur Comics refers to as “breakfast pleasure.” As I eat my Smart Balance oatmeal (and I have tried MANY other brands, and none even come close to doing this for me), all I can think about is just how DELICIOUS it is. Every bite is perfection. The texture and the taste and everything about this oatmeal is just heaven. As I get to the end of the oatmeal, I scrape the edges of my styrofoam cup (that’s what we have here, so it’s what I use) with my spoon to get every last morsel. My mind is literally a series of “mmmmmmmms” while I am eating this. I get really sad when I finish eating the oatmeal, because I wish it would go on forever.

This might seem sick to you. Well, kids, get ready for sicker: as I am eating it, so is Melissa and we are IMing each other back and forth about how amazing Smart Balance oatmeal is. Every single day. We have had lengthy in-depth conversations about the superiority of Smart Balance oatmeal to other brands, and we both feel extreme breakfast pleasure as we eat it. Our only wish is that each packet had even more oatmeal in it so we can extend our breakfast pleasure longer each day.

Smart Balance oatmeal is the one thing I look forward to every single day. When I go to sleep at night, I am excited to know it will be there for me the next morning. All morning before I get to work, I am excited and eager to start eating it!

So when we found out Smart Balance oatmeal is gone, we did what any of you would do. We searched the internet. We found one website that has our beloved product, and promptly ordered 20 boxes each. That is how I spent $90 on oatmeal.

But it wasn’t over yet. I needed to know exactly how many boxes of oatmeal this website has left. Melissa and I would most likely buy them all (once you spend $90, what’s a little — or a lot — more?). I called the website and spoke to someone. They weren’t aware that the oatmeal had been discontinued. They told me they would call me back when they knew how much they can get for us.

Later that day, all Smart Balance oatmeal was removed from Kosher.com.

And of course, I sent an email to Smart Balance about this decision. Melissa emailed them a few days before me, and they responded with outdated coupons — they even say “buy our new oatmeal!”

I called Kosher.com again to see about their progress. They confirmed that the oatmeal was indeed discontinued and they were in the process of finding out how much of my order they could fill. They told me to call on Friday (Feb 8th) to check in. I will do so.

I went to Gristedes by my office, and there was ONE box of the variety pack left. I eagerly bought it, removed the regular flavor, and gave the rest to my coworker Phoebe — She is the best!!!

I plan to stop in all grocery stores I go by to check for more remnants of my happiness…

I called Smart Balance today to ask about their decision to pull the most delicious oatmeal of all time. The woman I spoke to said it was a business decision to no longer make cereal. When I asked her if it was possible to purchase any remaining boxes, she said no.

Of course, with the knowledge that we will soon be permanently without our main source of happiness and our only source of breakfast pleasure, Melissa and I set out on a search to find a new oatmeal that comes as close as possible to our beloved. So far we have both been extremely disappointed with what we’ve tried, but we plan to look far and wide. A big issue is that other brands who have Smart Balance’s health benefits — namely flax and omega 3 — all have added sugar. Why a product that tries to be healthy would ruin it with adding sugar is beyond me. Our only requirement when purchasing replacement options is that it have 0g of sugar — or if it were to have sugar, to only come from natural sources (ie, fruit). Please feel free to provide any suggestions.

So kids, if you happen to see my oatmeal in a grocery store, it is most likely one of the last boxes they have left. Please pick it up and give it to me. I will thank you greatly. I will do something amazing for you. I promise.

And if you came across this blog in a search for Smart Balance oatmeal because you too were curious as to where it suddenly went, please comment and tell me! For some extremely strange reason, Smart Balance oatmeal has practically NO presence on the internet! So hopefully this blog will show up in your searches and shed some light on the situation — and let you know you’re not alone!

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UPDATE: Kosher.com was unable to locate any boxes of Smart Balance Oatmeal in Regular flavor. They do have variety packs (which I decided against). I searched a few grocery stores to find only variety and maple & brown sugar. So again, if you find any regular boxes, please get them for me!! Melissa’s mom just found 3 boxes for her. There might be more out there.

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FURTHER UPDATE: After conducting taste tests of about 8 brands of oatmeal between Melissa and myself, I have determined that Nature’s Path Organic is by far the best replacement for Smart Balance. From now on, Nature’s Path Organic Oatmeal is my work breakfast of choice. Nature’s Path is delicious! AND there is much more oatmeal in the packet, so it is more filling. Don’t be scared by the calorie count, it’s just because there is simply more oatmeal to eat!

Brands we have tried that did not make the cut:
Arrowhead Mills
Quaker
Quaker Organic
Uncle Sam’s
Country Choice Organic
McCann’s Irish Oatmeal
Erewhon (not that bad, but not as good as Nature’s Path)
Private Selection Organic (thanks, Diane!)