Hyena laughter. Make it stop.

Hi kids,

I haven’t posted on here in a long time, and there are good reasons and not good reasons for this.

The good reasons:

1. 1. for the time being, i am employed and trying to keep it that way
2. 2. i attempted to start a second, anonymous blog that i posted on regularly

Hm. Only two of those. Not as  good as I thought. And now, the bad reasons:

1. 1. I’m lazy
2. 2. I’m supremely lazy
3. 3. I am clearly a failure at blogging (see reason #2 on “good” list)

And that’s about it. I have some updates.

We all have someone at work who annoys us. I understand that it is difficult working in a cubicle environment when you can overhear everyone’s conversations. But, there is a huge difference between hearing a conversation — even hearing a loud conversation — and hearing the most irritating, excrutiating sound in the history of this planet.

I am not exaggerating. For privacy’s sake, let’s call the offender “Simba.” The internet is a good thing.

Simba, since my very first day at my current job, has been the bain of my existence. He has two friends whose names I know. These friends do not work here. I know their names because he speaks to them on the phone. Let’s call them “Timon and Pumbaa.”

I don’t know what Timon and Pumbaa do for work. I do know that they have unlimited free time to talk on the phone all day long. I do know what Simba does for work. I also know that Simba ignores his work duties to talk on the phone to Timon and Pumbaa all day long. I have even heard Simba tell someone, “I am swamped for the next few hours” only to hear him on the phone with his friends for those few hours.

He isn’t simply talking on the phone. This is where the problem is.

Let me first say that I don’t understand what could possible be SO funny ALL THE TIME. That being said, Simba laughs more than anyone I have ever known. And when I say laugh, I mean hyena laugh. What is a hyena laugh, you ask? It is screeching, shouting, HOWLING laughter that goes on for a minimum of 45 seconds and no maximum time, as sometimes it never ends. The hyena laughter is mixed with what i call cackles. Cackles are a sound that is hard to type, but imagine a laugh that sounds like “kkkkkkkkkk” and is made by pushing the top of your mouth against the bottom all the way in the back. It is painful to hear. Sometimes while laughing, you hear creaking. This means Simba has become so excited with his laughter he is now jumping and bouncing in his chair.

The laughter is not the entire problem. His voice is the problem as well. When you talk to him for work, he speaks in a normal voice, so I know he is capable of doing so. However, as soon as he gets on the phone, he switches to the most high pitched voice you have ever heard. Why??? And he uses so much inflection and up and down tones. He gets VERY enthused about whatever he is saying and will go on forever in this high pitched shrieking voice. Sometimes he makes loud shrieking noises, usually preceding a the start of the hyena laugh.

And that’s not all. There are other sounds as well, the most irritating being “HMPH.” For some reason, he makes this sound at least every day on the phone, sometimes up to 50 times in a day. I know, I do tallies. And there is rarely one “hmph” alone. Typically, it is a series. “Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! “

Sometimes, instead of “hmph,” it is just “HM.” “Hm!” I hate that as well.

Every time I hear his phone voice, I start to feel anixety. My chest seems to close up. It becomes difficult to breathe. Impossible to concentrate on work. I put in headphones and make the music as loud as it goes, but I still hear him OVER it, which is just so much worse. Also, I don’t like listening to music while I’m working, and it annoys me that I have to because of him.

And the thing is, EVERYONE hears him. People have asked him to be quiet before, but he ignores them. My group’s intern approached him over the summer and asked if he could please lower his voice, and what did he do? Said to his friend on the phone “My intern just asked me to be quiet! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHahahahhahahaHAHAHAHAHhahahah (hyena laughter) hahahahahahahahahaa.” HIS intern??! WTF.

He says his friends names while talking to them in a long nonstop series as well. “TimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimon” – one long word. Sometimes he conferences them and talks to both of them at once. But, always the laughter.  ALWAYS the laughter. It doesn’t stop.

He is at his worst on days when the office is more empty, like days that are a holiday but not a work holiday, like the day after Thanksgiving. On that day last year, he was already on the phone when I got to work at 9:00 AM. He did not get off the phone — a call complete with hyena laughter, shrieking, howling and high pithced sounds — until after 12:00 PM! OVER 3 HOURS!

Monday mornings you can hear him enthusiastically on the phone as early as 9 AM as well. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE TO LAUGH ABOUT THAT EARLY ON A MONDAY MORNING??! Which brings me to my next point — what is there to talk about all the time?! And don’t his friends work? Why do they have so much to say and WHAT IS SO HILARIOUS THAT REQUIRES SUCH VIOLENT FITS OF LAUGHTER EVERY DAY??!!!

Oh the stress he causes me. One day he will work in a place where this is not tolerated. I would love to hear him get reprimanded for this. He is out of control.

I was on the phone with a friend recently who heard Simba say “HMPH!” through the phone. Simba sits 2 rows behind and 1 row over from me — and my friend heard him through MY phone. Ridiculous.

Also, Simba is a guy who is in his late twenties/early thirties. He is married. I have never once heard him on the phone with his wife (I have heard him talk to his mom, though). What I want to know is, what guy chats on the phone with his friends like this?? I never heard of such a thing!

More to come on the Simba situation.