Thanks brother for giving me these!

So the answer to your question, dear searcher, is me!

Today’s question: Is it okay to eat outdated oatmeal?

Well, internet searcher, the answer is a resounding NO. It is not okay to eat any outdated food at all. Sure, there’s a chance the food is fine — after all, what is the difference between oatmeal on December 25 and oatmeal on December 26. But, the date was chosen for a reason, and for the sake of your tummy I think it would be best to stick to that date!

And I would like to thank you, searcher, because your question inspired me to check my old boxes of Oatmeal for their expiration dates. I was saving them for when my stomach got better, but I realized I should give them to my friend Melissa who would eat them up.

As it turns out, all were expired except for the best - SMART BALANCE. They have until January 16, so I will be sure to get them to Melissa before then!

Use the left nav to go through the entries David has written.  I’ve got some favorites, like http://www.27bslash6.com/jason.html.

People like David Thorne make me happy the intertubes exist. Thanks, Al Gore!

YUM

Enough about him. A little about me. For the last year and a half, I have been having mostly unexplained tummy problems. All the foods I used to love — salad, veggies, oatmeal, fruits, wheat bread, brown rice — have had to vanish from my diet because my stomach just can’t tolerate them. It has been a very hard time for me. I am always in some form of pain or discomfort, I am tempted by foods I can’t eat and sometimes eat them anyway and regret it after. Going to the gym after work has become impossible because once there is food in my belly I am rendered useless, so I am forced to go in the mornings. This reduces the amount of time I can spend in the gym since I don’t want to wake up insanely early but have to be out of there at a certain time to get ready. I have gained 10 pounds since this started, but it all happened at once last year and has remained steady since then. A few times, I have had to leave work during the day to buy new clothes because what fit me in the morning when I  got dressed no longer fit me after I ate lunch.

I have seen quite a few doctors about this. I am finally on track to finding out the exact problem. For those of you with thoughts or suggestions, I do want to mention that I have had MANY tests done, including 2 CT scans, 2 colonoscopies, a CCK HIDA scan, an Upper GI Series w/Small Bowel Follow Through, a Gastric Emptying Study, an endoscopy and an anorectal manometry.  Among the things I DON’T have are Celiac, pelvic floor dysfunction, bacterial overgrowth, a gallbladder problem and other things that I don’t even remember. I am about to go for another test next week that should pinpoint what a few doctors believe is the problem - my small intestine. Once that is hopefully confirmed, we can try and figure out what to do to treat this and HOPEFULLY I will begin to get better… I am hopeful but I don’t expect any miracles. 

Since things have gotten worse the last few months though, I have been really frustrated and sick of this and honestly, I can’t imagine living my entire life suffering like this. I just don’t see how that would be possible. I’ve been more upset about it lately and crying more often. I’m not depressed, I am just fed up. Especially with the holidays and all the food that’s been around and the way my body just can’t handle it. I just want to go back to being normal again.

And this has taken a MAJOR toll on my social life. I haven’t been able to go out and have fun with my friends. Just the idea of getting dressed and squeezing into clothes is enough to send me running for my pajamas and cozy bed. Eating makes me so lethargic and listless so when I do attempt going out, I am dead tired and just need to go home early to bed. Also, I can’t really drink anymore because of this. Meals at restaurants are impossible as well, so I just haven’t been a great friend lately.

So there’s my condensed story. There is much more to it but I won’t get into it here or now. But there is so much food at work these days!

Some of the treats at work this week:

• Brownies
• Cookies
• Baklava
• Fudge!
• Lindts (I love the hazelnut ones)
• Leonidas chocolates (crack)
• Rugelach

And more. And today there is cuban food - odd, I know, but true! Which means I will have to battle my frenemy, FLAN. I will lose. I always lose.  I did work out yesterday after work for an hour, in pain, to cancel out the brownie I had. I also worked out in the morning before work for 40 minutes, so it was my second one of the day. But let me tell you, exercising with food in me is torture. And really, the problem isn’t the calories I consumed — it’s the actual food that is just… there, in me.

Another issue I have had since all my medical problems started is trying to stay healthy. I have always cared about making healthy choices. I loved oatmeal for breakfast with fruit in it, salad for lunch with lots of yummy ingredients, lots of whole grains and nuts and high fiber snacks. Now, all those foods kill my stomach - especially lettuce and apples. If I eat a few pieces of lettuce, I will be immensely bloated for 2 days. Can’t close any pants, not even the zipper. Not exaggerating. So I eat what I know I can, and then it leaves me hungry. So when the snacks are out here, I take them. I can’t even think enough to stop myself. Sigh.

Okay, this was my most personal blog entry to date. Like I said, I plan to write more, and there are only so many witty observations I can make. So I will be incorporating my life into this more.

I haven’t posted on here in a long time, and there are good reasons and not good reasons for this.

The good reasons:

1. 1. for the time being, i am employed and trying to keep it that way
2. 2. i attempted to start a second, anonymous blog that i posted on regularly

Hm. Only two of those. Not as  good as I thought. And now, the bad reasons:

1. 1. I’m lazy
2. 2. I’m supremely lazy
3. 3. I am clearly a failure at blogging (see reason #2 on “good” list)

And that’s about it. I have some updates.

We all have someone at work who annoys us. I understand that it is difficult working in a cubicle environment when you can overhear everyone’s conversations. But, there is a huge difference between hearing a conversation — even hearing a loud conversation — and hearing the most irritating, excrutiating sound in the history of this planet.

I am not exaggerating. For privacy’s sake, let’s call the offender “Simba.” The internet is a good thing.

Simba, since my very first day at my current job, has been the bain of my existence. He has two friends whose names I know. These friends do not work here. I know their names because he speaks to them on the phone. Let’s call them “Timon and Pumbaa.”

I don’t know what Timon and Pumbaa do for work. I do know that they have unlimited free time to talk on the phone all day long. I do know what Simba does for work. I also know that Simba ignores his work duties to talk on the phone to Timon and Pumbaa all day long. I have even heard Simba tell someone, “I am swamped for the next few hours” only to hear him on the phone with his friends for those few hours.

He isn’t simply talking on the phone. This is where the problem is.

Let me first say that I don’t understand what could possible be SO funny ALL THE TIME. That being said, Simba laughs more than anyone I have ever known. And when I say laugh, I mean hyena laugh. What is a hyena laugh, you ask? It is screeching, shouting, HOWLING laughter that goes on for a minimum of 45 seconds and no maximum time, as sometimes it never ends. The hyena laughter is mixed with what i call cackles. Cackles are a sound that is hard to type, but imagine a laugh that sounds like “kkkkkkkkkk” and is made by pushing the top of your mouth against the bottom all the way in the back. It is painful to hear. Sometimes while laughing, you hear creaking. This means Simba has become so excited with his laughter he is now jumping and bouncing in his chair.

The laughter is not the entire problem. His voice is the problem as well. When you talk to him for work, he speaks in a normal voice, so I know he is capable of doing so. However, as soon as he gets on the phone, he switches to the most high pitched voice you have ever heard. Why??? And he uses so much inflection and up and down tones. He gets VERY enthused about whatever he is saying and will go on forever in this high pitched shrieking voice. Sometimes he makes loud shrieking noises, usually preceding a the start of the hyena laugh.

And that’s not all. There are other sounds as well, the most irritating being “HMPH.” For some reason, he makes this sound at least every day on the phone, sometimes up to 50 times in a day. I know, I do tallies. And there is rarely one “hmph” alone. Typically, it is a series. “Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! Hmph! ”

Sometimes, instead of “hmph,” it is just “HM.” “Hm!” I hate that as well.

Every time I hear his phone voice, I start to feel anixety. My chest seems to close up. It becomes difficult to breathe. Impossible to concentrate on work. I put in headphones and make the music as loud as it goes, but I still hear him OVER it, which is just so much worse. Also, I don’t like listening to music while I’m working, and it annoys me that I have to because of him.

And the thing is, EVERYONE hears him. People have asked him to be quiet before, but he ignores them. My group’s intern approached him over the summer and asked if he could please lower his voice, and what did he do? Said to his friend on the phone “My intern just asked me to be quiet! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHahahahhahahaHAHAHAHAHhahahah (hyena laughter) hahahahahahahahahaa.” HIS intern??! WTF.

He says his friends names while talking to them in a long nonstop series as well. “TimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimonTimon” - one long word. Sometimes he conferences them and talks to both of them at once. But, always the laughter.  ALWAYS the laughter. It doesn’t stop.

He is at his worst on days when the office is more empty, like days that are a holiday but not a work holiday, like the day after Thanksgiving. On that day last year, he was already on the phone when I got to work at 9:00 AM. He did not get off the phone — a call complete with hyena laughter, shrieking, howling and high pithced sounds — until after 12:00 PM! OVER 3 HOURS!

Monday mornings you can hear him enthusiastically on the phone as early as 9 AM as well. WHAT COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE TO LAUGH ABOUT THAT EARLY ON A MONDAY MORNING??! Which brings me to my next point — what is there to talk about all the time?! And don’t his friends work? Why do they have so much to say and WHAT IS SO HILARIOUS THAT REQUIRES SUCH VIOLENT FITS OF LAUGHTER EVERY DAY??!!!

Oh the stress he causes me. One day he will work in a place where this is not tolerated. I would love to hear him get reprimanded for this. He is out of control.

I was on the phone with a friend recently who heard Simba say “HMPH!” through the phone. Simba sits 2 rows behind and 1 row over from me — and my friend heard him through MY phone. Ridiculous.

Also, Simba is a guy who is in his late twenties/early thirties. He is married. I have never once heard him on the phone with his wife (I have heard him talk to his mom, though). What I want to know is, what guy chats on the phone with his friends like this?? I never heard of such a thing!

More to come on the Simba situation.

So when I spoke about this with people — namely guys — they would say things like:

You’ll live
Don’t be upset, it could be worse
You’ll be fine
You’ll be ok

And on and on and on… and usually it’s the same person saying the same thing over and over. It irritated and frustrated me. I want to know why can’t I be sad? Yes, I know I will live. I never said I wouldn’t. Yes, I know it could be worse, I never said it couldn’t. I know I will be fine. I know I will be okay. I never said otherwise. All I said was “I am sad.”

Why are people so offended when I say that? Also, telling me I’ll live doesn’t do anything to stop the fact that I feel sad. I can’t help how I feel. Stop telling me I have no right to feel the way I feel.

I am sad because I love my job, I love the people, I am finally happy. I had hoped to spend years here. I had hoped to establish my career here. So, yes, I am sad that I will have to leave a job and people that I love. People that threw me an anniversary party. People that I can always go to with any question and not worry about sounding stupid. An environment that makes me enjoy coming to work every day. And yes, I know that things happen and there is nothing we can do to control it. But I can still feel the way I feel, even knowing this.

Please, stop telling me not to be sad.

First, to my dear old stubbiron friend Randy. The open item is re: taking baby’s temperature. When you have an infant, the way the doctor and parent takes the temp is through the tushie. Yes, I understand that you and your parents have “values” — but I assure you that these values wouldn’t prevent them from making sure you are healthy. Accept the fact that a foreign object has been in your bum.

Next, the new iPod Nano. Someone tell me, is it bad that I really want one when I have two perfectly good Nanos in working condition already. I think 16gb is a nice size, I think pink is a nice color and I have dreams of just shaking to change my song. I even tried shaking my old one today to fool people into thinking I am so cool I got a new one the day it came out. I probably just looked ridiculous.

The election. It has to be said. I had a disconcerting conversation with someone close to me about this. I won’t reveal any more about what was said other than the fact that it left me feeling scared and hopeless for our future. Now, I am not one to get heated about politics or any one topic, but I do need to say based on this conversation that everyone should get on the internet and just read a little bit. Once a week even. Just learn about what each candidate wants and where he stands on the issues most important to you. Then you can make an informed decision on who to vote for — or in some cased, to even vote at all — based on facts and not on random feelings. I know what I just said isn’t very clear because I can’t go into specifics of where this is coming from, but if you take anything from this paragraph, it is to just do some homework before making generalizations or assumptions.

Okay, sorry about that little rant. Moving forward, I want to let everyone know that I adore Jezebel.com. This site, one of like, 6 websites in all the intertubes not blocked by my company, is funny, smart, witty and entertaining. Check it out if you have some time; the contributors update often throughout the day, and you really feel like you get to know each girl once you read enough of them. Good stuff.

One more site I need to make sure you know about (this one is blocked at work, much to my disappointment): GraphJam.com. It is funny. It makes me smile.

Moving along. Matthew Henry, if you are reading this, please know that YOU BOY.

So this peanut allergy that like, every other child has. Over the past few years it has become a huge issue in schools, camps, daycare centers, etc. My question is, where did this come from? When I was little, no one was allergic to peanuts. What changed since then so that so many kids have this allergy and peanuts are now banned from schools and all? Someone please explain!

New York people — channel 25 shows this: http://www.danceschooljuilliard.com/. One of my best friends since first grade, Emily Oldak, is in this 3-part documentary about Juilliard dancers (filmed in 2005, our senior year of college). If you see it, record it or watch it and see the girl with the long red hair! Emi is featured most prominently in episode 3.

Today (September 10) is my one year anniversary at my job. My team threw a luncheon for me, complete with a personalized cake and a really nice card. I am so lucky to have this job and work with such an amazing group of people, it really is more than I could have hoped for and when I told them at the interview that this is my dream job (which they still torment me endlessly on — even make note of it in the card), I couldn’t have been more right. For those of you reading this who don’t know me, I do internal communications for a large financial services company with a recognizable logo. The lunch included food favorites of mine such as guacamole, hummus and gooey cake.

Swing dancing. I take classes, I love it, it’s gotten pretty hard but much more fun. I learn moves with odd names such as the Butt Pop and the Santa. Both look like what you’d expect.

My mom is a first grade teacher and she has a little boy in her class who speaks no English. His parents don’t know any English either.  When he needs to use the bathroom at school, he holds up this little paper sign that says Lavatory. How adorable! Someone must have written it for him and told his parents that is the word for it! I have a picture of him holding the sign, but I don’t feel comfortable posting it on the internet — if you know me and email me, I will gladly send it to you.

There is more, but I have to go drink a pitcher or 2 of sangria. More news TK!