Something else that annoys me in the subway. You are at the top of the stairs and people are coming up the escalator/stairs next to you, meaning they just exited the train that you hope to enter. But you are at the TOP of the stairs. These people are nearing the TOP of the escalator. You start running, risking sweat and breathlessness and fatigue. WHY??

So you can try to get on the same train these people got off. Here’s some news for you: You’re not gonna make it! Why bother? Why exert all your energy and dart down the stairs at high speed to make a train whose doors definitely already closed! If the people are nearing the top of the escalator, you missed your chance.

And don’t you know that trains come every few minutes, more often during rush hour which is when I specifically witness this phenomenon? After a guy wearing a do-rag (must have been extra sweaty under there!) ran as fast as his little legs could take him down the stairs, I couldn’t help but notice he (obviously) missed the train. He seemed annoyed. About 4 seconds later another train pulled into the station. I walked down the stairs at a normal speed, knowing there was no way I would make that first train. We both got on the same train; him tired and worn out, me just fine. Was it worth it? To save 4 seconds of his time?

Must have been a very important 4 seconds that do-rag man can never get back. 

A friend of mine that I’ll call “Greg” told me about an experience he had on an escalator. I became so outraged by this information, I had to share:

“At work, I was taking the escalator down to the cafeteria and two ladies were standing side by side. So I asked one of them very nicely to let me pass (’Excuse me, can i pass?’). She doesn’t step to the right, but instead moves slightly to the left so I can push my way in between. As I’m walking away, she says, ‘You know, you could always take the stairs. That is an option’. I looked back, shocked that my request elicited such a venomous response. I turned around and almost said ‘If anyone need to take the stairs it would be you and your friend . . . you can use the exercise,’ but instead I said “Thanks for the advice.’ Unreal!”

My comments: WTF??!! Of course Greg can take the stairs, but the part of the beauty of the escalator is that it allows you to get from one place to another quickly! And as most everyone knows, the general rule of thumb on escalators is “stand on the right.” In London they even have signs! There is no rule saying “Escalators for standing only.” That is ridiculous. The women are in the wrong here for not knowing the rule. And for being bitches.

I’ve been meaning to write this for awhile now, and Randy recently tackled the same topic, so I figured I might as well get my anger out.

1. To walk, place one foot in front of the other. Repeat with opposite foot. Continue with this pattern until you reach your desired destination. Remember, KEEP MOVING. Just walk! Why can’t you walk?

2. If you need to stop in the middle of the sidewalk, MOVE OUT OF THE WAY. The edge of the sidewalk closest to buildings is a good spot, as is near a tree on the street side. Do not, I repeat, do not simply cease moving mid-sidewalk.

3. When walking under a scaffold, close your umbrella. There is no need for others to have to duck around you and try not to get hit. The rain will not touch you with a protective shield above your head.

4. When you are carrying a closed, very large umbrella, do not hold it horizontally and swing your arm back and forth as you walk. Your umbrella will kill someone. Stop being so fucking inconsiderate. There is no need to swing. I promise.

5. If I am walking straight and you are diagnally behind me and you decide you need to get to the other side of me to get wherever you are going, do not walk into me. Why not just turn left or right behind me or in front of me? Why walk INTO me?!

5a. If you are coming at me from a 90 degree angle, again, no need to walk INTO me. No need at all.

6. If you are walking with your friend, don’t leave a space between you that no one can fit through when there is no room to pass on either side. Give me a chance to get past! Especially when you and your friends decide to walk extra slow.

7. If you are a slow walker, walk on the side so those who don’t have all the time in the world can get past you.

8. When the walking light is blinking, DO NOT STOP as soon as you get to the crosswalk. I am walking right behind you and I want to make the light! Again, it must be nice to have so much free time and nowhere to be, but you must be considerate of those who aren’t as fortunate.

9. The subway escalator series:

- If you want to stand, STAND ON THE RIGHT. The left is for people who walk.

- If you are running down the escalator (on the left side) because a train is at the bottom, do not suddenly stop when you realize it isn’t your train. I’m running right behind you, and it might be my train, inconsiderate douchebag.

- When you walk toward the escalator and reach the entrance, it is not the time to stop, open your bag, look for whatever it is you are looking for, put away your metro card, etc. I am behind you and am trying to get on the escalator. I do not want to miss a train because you chose the worst place ever to stop.

10. When you swipe your MetroCard and get a message on the screen that you don’t have enough money on your card (Insufficient Funds), do not keep swiping. Do you think the money will suddenly appear on your card if you swipe repeatedly and hold up everyone waiting behind you? No, you idiot. The message means you have to put money on your card! STOP SWIPING.

11. After you swipe your card and the message reads “GO”, go! Now you hesitated because you’re a tourist, you lost the trip you paid for, and you are too stupid to realize it. You try to push through too late and you can’t get past. You don’t understand why and you start swiping again repeatedly, once again holding up the line. What the fuck do you think “go” means you jackass??

12. When you are with a very large group of friends on the sidewalk and I am trying to get by, move out of the way. Very simple concept. You and your group are creating a swarm in the middle of the sidewalk and there is no way for me to get past. Clear a path.

13. Do not walk on the back of my shoe.

14. I said it before, and I’ll say it again, DON’T WALK INTO ME.

15. Stop swerving. You’re not a drunk driver. I was walking straight and now you’re blocking my way.

16. WALK!!!!!

That concludes How to Walk in the City 102. I know I didn’t cover it all, and I will have much more to teach you in How to Walk in the City 103.

It’s always easy to spot the tourists visiting Manhattan. We see them taking pictures in front of popular landmarks like Grand Central Station and the Empire State Building, and even some not so popular locations . . . like random apartment buildings — but that is okay, since these people most likely don’t have anything that looks like this in their hometown. Today, however, I saw a couple taking a picture that surprised me . . . and then confused me.

The wife was standing in front of D’Agastino pretending to be about to walk in (the exit door, since that was directly under the store’s sign), while her husband took a picture of her. I resisted the urge to go up to them and say, “Um… you know this is a supermarket, right?”

I don’t know where these people are from, but I am fairly certain they are exposed to supermarkets — actually, superstores in the league of Wegman’s, Safeway, Publix and Winn Dixie, among many others. Stores like these blow D’Agastino away. Walk into Wegman’s and find yourself in a world where your every wish is literally at your fingertips. In college, we used to go out to dinner at Wegman’s. They had freshly prepared food — all kinds — in addition to everything else you would ever need to live AND enjoy life while you’re at it. You name it, Weggie’s had it. Same can be said for the other superstores I mentioned — and believe me, these are ALL over this country. You can even find Whole Foods in New York City, if you want a store with lots of great prepared stuff.

So why is D’Agastino so fascinating to these people who are most likely used to stores far superior? D’Agastino is really just your regular run of the mill supermarket, they’ve got the basics plus a little more . . . but nothing over the top, nothing spectacular, nothing to make it that much better than Food Emporium or Gristedes really. Sure, it’s a major improvement over Key Food. But then again, what isn’t?

I guess it is very cool for these people to go back home and tell their friends and family they went to D’Agastino . . . I just don’t get why. And if they really feel the need to take a picture in front of a New York City grocery store, might I suggest The Gourmet Garage? Now that is a unique store. Plus, they’ll find lots more cheese.

But all things aside, let me reiterate that this couple took a picture in front of a SUPERMARKET. If groceries are truly the highlight of their trip to New York City . . . well, they’re a different kind of people. Clearly.

I’m sorry if I sound like an asshole, or if I sound like someone who is from New York so I don’t get the touristy idea . . . but I really don’t think that is the case. I understand taking a picture of the Statue of Liberty as much as the next person . . .but I like to think that I draw the line at popular food chains.

Next time I am in a place with what I have labeled a superstore, I will be sure to take a picture in front of it. Because after shopping at places far superior to D’Agastino, I know what is truly cool in grocery shopping.

When I was at the Gap with my mom and brother, I picked up a hat and tried it on. I was intrigued; the hat was soft, not itchy, not tight to mess up my hair or make me feel uncomfortable, with flaps to — and here is the best part — COVER MY EARS. In other words, I found the perfect winter hat. Just what I never knew I always needed.

I walked up to my family members while wearing the hat to get their thoughts. They laughed and said it looked a little silly, but when I told my mom how comfortable and warm I felt, she offered to buy it for me.

As soon as I walked outside, I knew I made the right choice with the hat. I felt warm and cozy. And when my mom and brother started laughing over how ridiculous I looked, I didn’t even care much. I was warm. My ears were covered!

A week later when my mom laughed at me again, I knew it was because I looked cute!

I began wearing the hat on every cold day. I knew it looked a bit silly, but when it was that cold I would wear my coat hood over the hat anyway, and I tend to pull the hat off on the subway anyway. And again, I cannot stres how warm and soft the hat is — and it doesn’t mess up my hair. In fact, I believe it improves my hair. One day I forgot to bring my hat, and my ears nearly froze off. It was a sad day.

So this week I was on the subway after work on one of the coldest days so far. There was freezing rain and snow outside, and I had just walked 4 avenues to get to the train. I was freezing. The train was so packed that I couldn’t maneuver to remove my hat — but I didn’t want to anyway. I was freezing! And I would just have to put that hat on again after a couple stops when I got off the train.

After one stop, three obnoxious guys got on. It’s actually really hard to put into words just how obnoxious they were — you really needed to be there to understand. Also, I had my headphones on so I was trying to tune them out. There were 3 guys, abut 18 or 19 years old. Clearly uneducated. Clearly stupid. White, but clearly trying to be black. They were being ridiculously loud and I am positive the other people were as annoyed as I was. The most obnoxious of the three starts freestyling — loudly. He even used the N word, and I was sad to not see anyone around us who might have wanted to hurt him for that. It was his lucky day, I guess. He and his friends were being stupid and laughing, and then it became personal.

“Hey, tell that girl you like her hat!” followed by a lot of laughter amongst the friends — as if I wasn’t standing right next to them and couldn’t hear them. They laughed like it was the funniest thing they ever heard. I was mortified not because I cared what they thought but because I didn’t want the other people on the train to look at me. If there is one thing I can’t handle, it is when the attention of more than 3 people at a time is focused on me. It scares me to death, and I try to avoid drawing attention to myself as much as possible.

I pretended not to hear them, even though it was impossible not to hear them, being that I was RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. My stop couldn’t come soon enough. And really, the hat might be silly, but it’s not so ridiculous as to be an object of public ridicule! It’s from the GAP! How bad can anything that widely mass produced really be?

Needles to say, when I got back outside in the sleet, I was thankful that I hadn’t forgotten my hat like I had the day before. My ears were thankful, too.

Two things:

1. I was walking up the stairs to exit a subway station when someone says to me, “Excuse me Miss - you dropped something.” Since I was holding on to a few things, it certainly was plausible that I would drop something, so I looked down to see. At that moment, the guy says, “SIKE! He then turns to his friend and said, “Did you see? She looked!” as if I wouldn’t have believed him or something. Um, not only did I have no reason to doubt what he told me, but WHO SAYS SIKE?! What year are we in and is that even funny? Why is it funny that I thought I dropped something? I just don’t get it!

2. I was at my friend’s birthday party, and some guy comes up to Missy and I and says, “What are you, like, 16!” So we were obviously annoyed since he knew we were there for the same friend he was there for, and why was he acting like that? So we didn’t continue talking to him. A little later on, he came up to us again and started talking. Still annoyed from before, I said, “What are you, like, 12?” He was like “Why would you say that to me, why are you being like that?” So I told him it was in response to what he said to us earlier. He claimed to have never said that — so we told him we both heard it, and he did say it. He then put his fingers in the shape of a “W” with his thumbs touching, and put it up to his forehead — the universal sign for WHATEVER made popular in 1995 from Clueless (along with the Loser “L”). Then he walked away, clearly way too cool for our company.

Once again — what year is this?? We still make “Whatever” W’s? We still say “Sike”? Sure, we all know that ”everything old is new again” — but I’d like to think we can be more selective when it comes to what, exactly, we make new again.

Thanks and have a great night, herbs.